*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.
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Heard my husband scream “NOOOOOO!” from across the house, ran to see if he was okay, then discovered him watching that video of the raccoon who tries to “wash” his cotton candy and then appear visibly upset when it dissolves in the water.
Randomly covering one eye for long periods of time so people think I’m part of that cult
Me: *meeting a priest* Nice dress, bro.
“Well, this is no good. How do I turn it off?” – The first primate to experience consciousness
The “it’s ok to use ‘disability’ as an insult as long as you’re not using it to insult a person with a physical handicap” logic. #facepalm
Barber: What would you like today?
Me: Make me look attractive.
Barber: CAROL! CANCEL ALL MY APPOINTMENTS!
Wanna terrify a homeless dude? Dress as a grocery store clerk and pretend to scan all the stuff in his shopping cart
Hey guurl.
“Hey there.”Feeling lonely tonight?
“I have a boyfriend.”Why are you talking to me then?
“You haven’t taken my order yet.”
interviewer: why’d you leave your last job
me: i heard a loud noise
interviewer: wow what was it
me: my boss yelling get out you’re fired
Awesome hanging with yall just real quick can you guys not tag me in the pictures cause a few years ago I accidentally faked my own death
daniel radcliffes agent: hello harry potter
daniel radcliffe: hello
agent: would you like to be in a movie
daniel radcliffe: is it very strange
agent: yes
daniel radcliffe: then yes
agent: when can you get here
daniel radcliffe: i’m in your yard climbing trees as we speak
[stubs toe]
“GOD DAMMIT”
God: No problem, bro.
[toe goes to Hell]
[High School Reunion]
Me: Those were the days, right?
Mrs. Miller: You left out Thursday that time.
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board
me: i have a doctorate in physics
flight attendant: this man is dying
me: it’s ok the plane will weigh the same
“Treat yourself,” they say.
“No, wait—not like that—”
But it is too late. I have baked myself into an eclair
Ron is short for Aaronald
her: wanna come over
me: can’t I’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
[every person who ever bought a used bookstore]
now I can bring my cats to work.
Shout out to Clifford the Big Red Dog. He coulda eaten those kids a long time ago
Ladies, it’s 2019. Don’t wait for a guy to call you. Be proactive. Text him. Find your mutuals on FB to message. Kidnap his entire family and don’t release them until he goes on a second date.
If you work for UPS or FedEx, you speak Parceltongue.
Much as I like Guardians of the Galaxy, in real life, I don’t think it’s a good idea to give a gun to a raccoon.
[at Chinese restaurant]
“Hi I’ll have a large goingon”-What is goingon?
“Nothing much, just hungry for some Chinese food”
I’m only attractive if you’re drunk.
*buys everyone a drink*
[out in public]
12: did you know if you stick out your tongue and bite down on it you can’t breathe thru your nose?
me: [showing him he’s wrong]
12: now you look like an idiot
me: i hate kids man.
Homophobia is stupid. Who the hell is afraid of homes.
Cop: My informant told me where the killer is
Chief: Nice. Did he give you a name?
Cop: No chief *frowns* my parents did that
No, you hang up first.
Me to Pizza Hut