*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.
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CW: How was your weekend?
*finds nearest object*
“Hello?”CW: Are you talking to a stapler?
“I’m sorry, I have to take this.”
If a tiger goes to bite you, confuse him by french kissing him.
You’ll probably still die, but at least you got to make out w/ a tiger.
To the woman I overheard telling her friend that she “literally died”, I have so many questions.
ME: [slowly heating water containing frog]
WIFE: what are you doing!
ME: [adding bubble bath] Ribbit Downey Jr had a stressful day
I just want somebody to want me the way my dog wants a bite of my cheeseburger.
Back in my day we used ter wake up at tha crack o’ dawn to tend to these here tweets
‘Do what you want!’ she cried lying back on the bed. ‘I love a man who takes control.’
‘OK’ he said and put her CDs into alphabetical order.
Become a minion. Get that bread.
Son: mom, you wanna dance with me?
Me, who has no rhythm: *dances*
Son: maybe you can just watch me instead.
I don’t always try to use big words but when I do, I accidentally tell a mother her toddler was a necrophiliac today instead of narcoleptic.
Sometimes I wonder if cannibals see hot tubs as broth for people soup.
Iron: you’re always trying to turn me into something I’m not!
Blacksmith:
Nature just builds 30 foot trees. Without even pulling a permit.
My personal brand is being the guest at a wedding who can’t dance but puts in a noticeable effort.
10yo: You know that’s not what they mean by exercise, right?
Me: Pfft. [continues shaking Fitbit up and down]
Do people who knit know about the industrial revolution?
My husband surprised me by inviting his new boss and wife for dinner so I surprised them with an icebreaker of mocktails and Cards Against Humanity
Dear Diary,
I fear for my sanity. Just today I started talking to a blank book.
you visit my house and within moments i offer you strawberry shortcake. you decline but i put an entire cake on the table and begin cutting it. you are confused. it takes me 45 minutes to eat the entire thing alone and we do not speak
What’s the name of that Tom Cruise movie where he runs around a lot?
tv: low volume
tv: volume jacked up for 6 seconds
tv: low volume
tv: volume jacked up for 6 seconds
[when I watch tv & eat chips]
I once broke up with a girl for doing a May the 4th be with you joke. I did it the next day though, and called it revenge of the fifth.
I’m not a shout it from the rooftops kind of person, but I’ll write it on a post-it and leave it lying around for people to see.
#MakeAFilmUncomfortable The Godfather – With Benefits
My 5 year old said he’s not going to say a word until the bread pops up from the toaster so I unplugged it.
one thing you forget about star wars is how much of the original trilogy is just darth vader flying in some place to chew some guy out about construction delays
Sometimes at the beach it’s like “gross, is that a condom?” Yes. And it’s staying on. Not looking to raise any shark children.
saw some family i haven’t seen in 30 yrs & now i’m good for another 30 yrs
a swear jar, but for using the word “nuanced”.
He kept asking to see “more” of me but for some reason my colonoscopy results were “too much”
Foh