*pronounces injury like lingerie*
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when ppl hold the baby and the baby cries & parents say “oh he’s just tired,” we’re lying, the baby really does hate you
Single men not in love with me.
Explain yourselves.
Before you storm out of a room, make sure you take your phone.
[me talking to someone one year younger than me]
listen, kid…
Apparently you can’t make a baby by adding water to baby powder, so don’t waste your time.
Catfishing my ex… So you could say we’re back together.
this pandemic has been really hard on those of us who are hotter in person
[mom ridiculing me in front of new GF]
“Luke was afraid to go into family changing rooms until 22 because he thought he’d get a new family”
“Is that a serial killer downstairs or just my pet?”
– the fun game that all cat owners get to play at 3am
When I was 6 my uncle caught a moth in his mouth, walked outside, opened up and the moth flew away into the night. I think about this a lot
2014: lost 10 lbs, saved $135, ate $135 worth of candy, gained 10 lbs
HER: i love mythology
ME: *sensing an opportunity* i love your thology too
“I love the Fall, the trees are so pretty”
It’s fall??
“Ya, so what?”
[leaves start attacking everyone]
OMG THE LEAVES HAVE TURNED
Me: can you help with the dishes?
5 [licks dirty silverware] yeah.
One time a guy left a full glass of sangria behind on a first date and I pretended I forgot my sunglasses so I could run back and chug it.
in dinosaur culture it’s actually really insensitive to wish upon a falling star
[haunted house]
FRIEND: you scared???
ME: not because of this haunted house, but yes
“Ok, I know this is creepy af but check this out..”
-first taxidermist
my inner child wanted to run and slide across the wood floor in my socks and now my outer adult has a hip out
The person who made stabbing people illegal, clearly never slept next to someone who snores.
some tweets get big favs but no RTs. why? [camera pans to dog in lab coat high up on a distant ledge. we’re too far away to hear his answer]
Can we take a moment to celebrate the little ride we get in the pneumatic chair at the hair salon or barber when they pump it up or down
Your neck. There’s an axe for that.
I don’t care what pasta costs because it’s worth every penne.
Precious was concerned about how long it was taking to make a snack choice.
me: let’s go to bed earlier like responsible adults
brain: great idea[10pm]
me: so do we just like lay here or what
brain: i have no idea
“Cake by the Ocean” probably has some alternate meaning but I’m too old to really care so I like to think it’s about a nice, young fellow eating birthday cake on the beach.
*applies conditioner to my to-do list to make it more manageable*
Dear Son-I apologize for ruining your life by asking you to put your dishes in the dishwasher!
*Batman receives electric bill for Bat Signal*
“ALFRED WE’RE GETTING IPHONES.”