[pronounces lasagna like bologna]
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[getting dating advice from my dad]
Just be yourself and don’t do anything stupid
“Well which one is it?”
Hey guys, if you cross the seven seas by yourself you’ve committed the seven deadly swims thanks for your time
Motherhood is like being a fireman putting out fires but everyone is shouting out how you’re doing it wrong and criticizing your sweatpants.
My son was at his blacksmithing camp yesterday. He came home with a knife “forged in the dark of an eclipse.”
I am so proud.
me: having a physical body is inconvenient. i want to be a sentient cloud or a useful metaphor
alien who abducted me: do you ever stop talking?
me: lol no
My kids don’t drive me to drink. Can’t wait until they get their license and they can though.
Punctuality is important. It’s the difference between helping your uncle jack off a horse and arriving late to find he’s already done it.
I would throw myself under a duvet for you.
pisses me off when I’m taking a longer than average drink at the drinking fountain and someone says “hey save some for the fishes” when just before i’d filled up a bucket at the drinking fountain and drove it to the nearest lake and dumped it in there
Wife’s friend: So what was your C section like?
Wife: Well, it wa….
Me: Omg it was AWFUL. I had to just stand there for like 30 minutes
doctor’s receptionists when you ask them to book you an appointment which is literally their job
*orders a medium pizza*
*opens box*
PIZZA: I’ve contacted your late grandmother. She wants you to know-
*eats pizza*
I quit my job after my boss started paying me in vegetables.
I couldn’t live off of that celery.
All these silly debates on social media are all a ploy to distract you from the fact that they are moving public urinals closer together everyday.
If Jesus died for our sins then why are there so many popups when i try to watch a movie online illegally
so people are okay with batman wearing a cape but when i do it i “need to put my hospital gown on the right way”
I’ve accepted that I’ll probably never say “I’d love to” without sounding sarcastic.
If you don’t walk sideways chanting ‘crab people’ when holding tongs, we can’t be friends.
Strange how FB doesn’t automatically add the enemies of your enemies as your friends,
Look picnics, if I wanted to spend three hours protecting my food with a spork, I’d just go to prison.
Wife: I told you not to buy the kids a trampoline.
Me: I didn’t
[bounce]
Me: buy the kids
[bounce]
Me: a trampoline.
[bounce].
me: I think my hippo might be dying
vet: sir, that’s a really really fat horse
me: BECAUSE IT ATE MY HIPPO
First date Idea.
We tag team wrestle another couple.
He was bludgeoned to death with a vacuum. The suspect fled the scene quickly, leaving the victim…
*puts on sunglasses*
In the dust.
Gift cards: the best way to say “Here. You figure it out.”
What kind of bait does a librarian use when he goes fishing?
A bookworm!
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#ThursdayThoughts #ThursdayVibes
As a project I’ve started making my own coffin. Should I be concerned that my wife keeps asking how soon I can have it ready?
The ankle monitor stays on during sex, but only because it has to.
My mother had a cure for slouching. I still flinch when there’s movement in my periphery, but I’ve got posture like a Marine.
8 is addicted to the iPad and he asked where it was at tonight and I said it’s in my car in the garage. He said ok and then I said hopefully the dead woman that lives in the garage won’t get him. Now we’re about to find out how much he wants it.