@leobunty

*pronounces lingerie as ling – gary*

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@ashmensch

It’s the remix to ignition,
I’m a terrible magician,
I cut your grandma in half,
And now my rabbit is missing.

@Laser_Cat

America only considers a war a success if we build a Bed Bath and Beyond in the enemy’s capital.

@mattZillaaaa

[at my funeral]

So young, how did he die?

He ran into oncoming traffic after walking past a group of adults saying the word “bae”

@iJesseWilliams

1) In the interest of time, would ye noble patriots please provide a list of infractions punishable by spontaneous public execution? Thanks!

@GrantTanaka

Grandma, what big eyes you have!
thyroid actin’ up
What big ears you have!
ear infection
What big teeth!
receding gums, look I’m just old ok

@XLToast

Help! Has anybody seen a little boy with a corndog?

Stranger: He’s over there!

Oh thank God! [steals little boy’s corndog and runs away]

@EndhooS

Fireman: Is anyone else inside the house?

Me: Uh yes..my son is trapped in my room he- [fireman charges into blaze] ..HE LOOKS LIKE AN XBOX

@BlindChow

“Daddy, there’s a mime under the bed!”
That’s ridiculous, why would you think that?
“Listen!”
*complete silence*
OH DEAR GOD RUN

@NewDadNotes

[inventing oatmeal]

make sure it never comes out of the bowl once it dries