*pronounces patio like ratio
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think my Uber driver is flirting w/ me
Wearing ‘EarPods’ is my favorite way of making the rest of the world believe my verbal outbursts are part of a heated phone conversation.
Cow stumbles into a pot field. The steaks have never been higher.
Ever read stuff here on social media and then think to yourself, “Why is NASA diverting asteroids? Just let them come.”
As a seasoned negotiator, I’ve created a complex list of demands that my children must complete before I’ll buy myself a foosball table. I mean buy them a foosball table
ME:I dunno why I try dialogue tweets.
ME: Me neither.
ME: Who neither
ME: You
ME: Which you? Me you or you you?
INTERVIEWER: thank u, those are all my questions. do u hav any questions for us
ME: yes…why do i want this job
INTERVIEWER: [starts sweatig]
Sorry ISIS but we already have a religious state that nobody likes and is full of people that hate modern thinking: it’s called Kansas.
i think muppets being in horror movies would be better than the original: a thread
My son knows he can’t use the f word in public and he certainly can’t say it in front of his younger sister or she’ll want to use it and also he thinks the f word is “phone.”
Young couple: “She has the most adorable laugh!”
Married couple: “Her laugh is like if a braying donkey swallowed a kazoo.”
My husband is awesome. He just gave me a bracelet that belonged to his grandmother. What does “Do Not Resuscitate” mean?
Me: *hanging off a cliff*
Kids: Mom! Mom! Mom! Mom!
Me: Oh thank goodness! Kids, go get-
Kids: What’s for dinner?
No son, you can’t go out with your friends. Tonight we’re installing Windows Updates, as a family.
Every earthquake is a reminder that you drunk-ate the good granola bars out of the earthquake kit eight years ago and never restocked them.
Any minute now the cactuses are just going to start walking around and we’re all going to be like how did we not see this coming
Doctor: I’m sorry, I did everything I could.
Grieving Family: We just can’t believe you wasted your time getting a PhD in Philosophy.
*seductively moistens your lips with the meatloaf
I farted in the Apple Store on Black Friday and everyone got angry at me…
It’s not my fault they don’t have Windows.*I’ll show myself out*
All firemen must dread the moment when they’re done for the day and have to find the strength to climb back up the pole.
I just spent more time trying to get a stuck Junior Mint out of the box than I did studying for some exams in school.
I love giving a little kid the tongue, and then watching him run to his mother holding the severed tongue I just gave him.
8 really detests when I use fish sticks to play the drums on her head
My wife and I have a rule whoever is driving controls the radio, unless I’m driving and then she controls the radio.
Me: Go to school!
9yr Old: It’s Sunday.
Me: Go to church!
9yr Old: I’m Jewish.
Me: Convert!
I drink so much coffee, people feel jittery when they see a picture of me.
All I’m saying is that just once it’d be nice for the cat to be the one pointing the laser for me to chase.
I used to quickly lick the tip of my pencil when writing my poignant thoughts but now I have to eat three or four pencils just to make a grocery list
Hell hath no fury like a woman being told she looks tired.