@upsidedowntrash

[pronounces testosterone like macaroni]

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@CooperLawrence

I once had a boyfriend cheat on me with my best friend but that pales in comparison to the betrayal I feel when an Amazon ‘Get it by tomorrow’ order arrives two days late

@sarcastictroler

Best Friend: Best day of my life was the day I got married. Wbu?

Me: *Recalling when I got free Pizza from Pizza Hut* Yes My Wedding Day

@MommaUnfiltered

What do you mean your dog doesn’t have a middle name. How does he know when you’re angry.

@seamussaid

being over 40 is like the movie speed but you can’t drop below 600mg of ibuprofen in your system

@JasonLastname

LOST DOG: 4 year old border collie. Still living at home but doesn’t know what to do with his life.

@Carroll_Amy_

the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us

@stevevsninjas

Dodo, a bird, an extinct bird
Ray, a pancake from the sea
May, a fly that lives one day
Fox, tells lies on my TV

@therepoguy

Giving me a Milkbone after sex does not make it doggy style

@EndhooS

[On a date at a restaurant]

So this is nice huh?

“Yea,uh, who’s that?”

*Dad is breathing on the window and writing ‘VIRGIN’ in the steam*