[pronounces testosterone like macaroni]

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I once had a boyfriend cheat on me with my best friend but that pales in comparison to the betrayal I feel when an Amazon ‘Get it by tomorrow’ order arrives two days late


Best Friend: Best day of my life was the day I got married. Wbu?

Me: *Recalling when I got free Pizza from Pizza Hut* Yes My Wedding Day


What do you mean your dog doesn’t have a middle name. How does he know when you’re angry.


being over 40 is like the movie speed but you can’t drop below 600mg of ibuprofen in your system


LOST DOG: 4 year old border collie. Still living at home but doesn’t know what to do with his life.


the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us


Dodo, a bird, an extinct bird
Ray, a pancake from the sea
May, a fly that lives one day
Fox, tells lies on my TV


Giving me a Milkbone after sex does not make it doggy style


[On a date at a restaurant]

So this is nice huh?

“Yea,uh, who’s that?”

*Dad is breathing on the window and writing ‘VIRGIN’ in the steam*