*pronounces woah like Noah*
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Disney’s Aladdin taught me that as long as you have a foundation of lies, actual magic, and one of you is rich, a relationship can work.
Me: “Hey kids, I’m gonna go downstairs and watch the #football game anyone want to come watch with me?”
5-year-old: “You gonna have chips?”
Me: “Does that affect your decision on if you’ll spend time with me?”
5-year-old: “……yeah!”
Me: “Then yes I’ll have chips.”
😒🤦♂️😒🤦♂️
*gets stabbed and looted by mugger*
me: “oh yeah just leave like everyone else does”
[addressing everyone at my pet possum’s funeral] you guys aren’t gonna believe this
Give a man a fish, he eats today.
Teach a man to fish, he gets drunk in a boat.
“Be the change you want to see in the world. ”
Me: Cool, can I be a 10 and two 5’s?
PHARAOH: we shall build religious monuments. they will baffle future science.
SUBJECT: should we leave them a note to explain how we did it?
PHARAOH: yes, take this down
SUBJECT: ok
PHARAOH: cat, dog, snake, bird, cat, man with the head of a cat, dog, cat, bird
13 Types of Regret You’ll Experience After Clicking on a Link to an Article That Won’t Live Up to its Exaggerated Headline
My wife: “What’s Twitter like?”
Me: “It’s amazing.”
Her: “OK, I’ll join.”
Me: “Oh look, Twitter just shut down forever. That’s too bad.”
me: I believe it was Meatloaf who said two out of three ain’t bad
wife: YOU LEFT ONE OF OUR KIDS AT THE GROCERY STORE
I haven’t been to the gym in months. I wonder if all the pudding cups in my locker have spoiled?
I want negative calorie credit for all the junk food I pass up. Didn’t eat that cookie? That’s -150 calories.
DATING TIP: IF YOU EAT A MAGNET AND SLIP ANOTHER MAGNET INTO YOUR DATE’S DINNER SHE’LL NEVER BE ABLE TO LEAVE YOU
my glass coffin company “remains to be seen” is not doing as well as i thought it would.
I hate avocados
*gets kicked out of California*
Got to my dad’s house and he was showing me all the food he has for me to snack on and he goes “and I have a guacamole ball” what’s a guacamole ball you ask? well I will tell you. an avocado. He has an avocado.
Your baby is cute but terrible at helping me move.
Being a parent puts you in excruciatingly difficult situations. For example, having to talk to other parents.
I drank a beer and then clipped my kid’s bangs, so tomorrow morning should be interesting
“Write this down.”
[Moses grabs tablet]
“Thou shalt not steal [raises eyebrow] where did you get that tablet from?”
Rooting for the overdog
Confession: I’m a fake gamer guy. This gut? Prosthetic. These shorts? Armani. Even this bag of cheetos is filled with healthy baby carrots!
I like to send homemade gifts to people.
Which one of my kids do you want?
Vin Diesel eats two meals a day:
1) Breakfast
2) Breakfurious
A bar and a bra , both drive men crazy when they open .
When my girl was five I was reading to her from a little book about George Washington.
Me: As a boy he liked to ride horses and fish.
Her: He liked to ride fish?!
It’s been nine years but in my mind he’s still riding that big beautiful fish.
My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face
I’ll never understand women. A species that loathes you for asking their age, but tortures you forever if you forget their birthday.
I’ve just found out that my 18-year-old keeps an eye on my Twitter account and now I’m seriously torn between doubling down on calling Ted Danson daddy or deleting my entire online identity.