Pronouncing baked like naked and naked like baked until someone hits me with a folding chair
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FRIEND: are you going to watch star wars tonight?
ME: uhh…yeah…of course
[later]
ME: [looking up from telescope pointed at night sky] odd…they seem to all be getting along just fine
If you wear your old prom dress to the pharmacy, they’ll fill your antidepressants faster.
There is a natural phenomenon going on in my house. It seems I’m the only one who sees the trash piling up. It’s quite astounding.
Told my daughter that whoever takes the longest nap gets to choose what’s for dinner.
And now we wait.
A kickboxing class where you hit the bag with a baseball bat because I may have mild to moderate anger issues.
Him: That’s a bitter pill to swallow
Her: Well, you did just eat a dishwasher tablet
I can’t get her off my mind, even the wind seems to whisper her name. Never fall in love with a girl named WHOOSHEE FFREWERRREFSHH.
*Relationship status*
Me: I’m heading off now.
Wife: Yayyy.
REVOLUTION HAS BEGUN!!!
*controversially folds piece of paper lengthwise*
Y’all it’s so wild to call a pharmacy and they ask for the date of birth and I’m like he is a cat I have no idea I found him in a shelter his name is James Dumpling you got his pills or???
Dog 1: Help me with this crossword clue. Outer covering of a tree. 4 letters.
Dog 2: woof?
Dog 1: You’re not even trying.
The squirrels of Grand Canyon might be cute. But they’ll beg. They’ll steal. They’ll bite. They’ll do anything to get what you want. So don’t trust them. Don’t approach them. And don’t give them anything—or they might take everything. – BM
First base: drinks
Second base: hooking up
Third base: consistently hanging out for over 3 months and refusing to call it a relationship because both of you are terrified of commitment and communication
Fight Club but it’s just 19 and 16 duking it out over who takes “their” car—the one neither of them paid for
Idioms are annoying so I won’t count chickens that cry over spilt milk at the drop of a hat or bark up the wrong apples and oranges tree because at the end of the day, it is what it is, and it ain’t over til the fat lady kills two birds with a piece of cake.
It’s called a charm offensive. I’m like the softest baby bunny who doesn’t respect you.
It’s interesting growing up and discovering that most adults are not that clever. I had my suspicions as a kid but I didn’t think the situation was this dire.
Don’t tell me you’re into the Halloween spirit unless you go into a haunted house willing to die.
Indiana Jones: It belongs in a museum!
Me: *running away* Leave my sexy booty alone
Please help. My husband just started running. He runs in jeans. With a belt. I don’t have anyone I can talk to about this. I am so alone.
every nextdoor post is like “i saw a car drive by my house without asking my permission first. do i call the fbi or the national guard?”
Hand-sanitizer gives you that clean, my hands are still dirty, feeling.
For my followers who’ve told me they feel shitty about where they are in life right now. Here’s my answer to y’all.
The fact that Mitt Romney opted to see Twilight instead of Lincoln this weekend probably sums up what his presidency would’ve been like.
I can never hear what my kids are up to while I’m in the shower so I just yell “HEY cut it out!” every 60 seconds and hope that keeps them in line
I ate so much bread yesterday, I checked Web MD to make sure that I couldn’t end up with a yeast infection.
When someone has two dogs everyone’s always assuming they’re siblings like “where’s your brother?” “share with your sister” what if they’re dating? What if they’re coworkers?
The strongest muscle in the human body is the tongue. Keep that in mind next time you find yourself in a scuffle.
Half my family is Catholic, the other half Jewish, so when the tweet contest theme is “guilt” I pretty much have it in the bag.