Pronouncing “driest” like priest
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I was buying wine at the market and the checker looked at me and said you know you have to be 21 right so we got down right there on aisle 7.
HER: Whisper in my ear
ME: [softly] We’re cursed chimpanzees stranded on a giant rock orbiting a treacherous star
Well. That’s not a good sign.
There is a small dent on the side of this plane. It must have a…
*Puts on sunglasses*
“Airline fracture”
#TwitterWouldBeBetterWithout my mother-in-law..here’s actual footage of me finding out she’s found my account..
friend: you’ve been watching the tv for 8 hours
me: yeah so
friend: maybe u should turn it on
My mom remembers exactly what she was doing when Elvis died but can’t remember my name half the time, my birthday, or who my dad is.
“Usain Bolt, Trump regrets/ Gawker downed by Hogan’s sex/ Manafort, Putin’s pet/ Lochte lies then hops on jet/ We didn’t start the fire…”
Ke$ha looks like a character I would select in Mortal Kombat
“Should I vomit at 1am or 3am? Maybe both.”
KID: I’m starting to feel like I’ll never find a Coke with my name on it
MOM: Just keep looking, Dangquestrious
Oh, you want me to join you at your family’s cabin? Should I tie myself up and climb into your trunk too?
[Day after Xmas]
7am: I am detoxing today, only fruit and liquids for me
9am: There are worse things than eating 14 cookies for breakfast
No one claims to like clowns, and yet there are clowns. What an evolutionary adaptive species they must be, clowns.
A cat is the animal equivalent of the girl who hated you for no reason in high school.
What if we made sidewalks into trampolines? Fun and springy to walk on, and if someone looks at you wrong you can always bounce them into tomorrow.
i can promise you i will never love anyone enough to ride a tandem bike with them
I feel like one of these would kill a European
[at an indian restaurant]
me: they’re well known for their gooey naan.
her: what’s gooey naan?
me: nothing much what’s goin’ on with you?
Thunder only happens when it’s raining. Neighbors only mow lawns when you’re napping.
There’s a 99.9% chance that no one on twitter is your soulmate. There’s also a 99.9% chance your spouse agrees.
I thought I might be pregnant.
It turns out I’m just three months fat.
5 second rule? I’ll take a pill that’s been under the fridge since last March
When I was a kid, dad would say ‘I’d give that a minute’ as he emerged from the bathroom after a heavy night on the beer.
I vowed I’d never be that crass with my kids, so I don’t give them any such warning.
Wrong answers only
Answer: Marriage
At my age, “you shook me all night long” sounds like a complaint.
My brother in law sent us adorable Valentines from our 14 month old niece who we have never met (They live in Canada)
Her litlte red handprints are the card are so sweet…except it also kinda looks like she bathed in the blood of her enemies and then sent us a warning
The free hotel blow-dryer should be easier to get off the bathroom wall.
I’ll straight up listen to yacht rock on a house boat and house music on a yacht I really don’t give a shit anymore.