Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 3 year old has been on the other side of the door knocking and making me “guess who” for five minutes. I’m usually pretty good at acting surprised time after time, but the glass door is really straining my theatrical skills.

You get: 1 hour of extra sleep

You lose: the will to live after the sunsets at 4pm

The human body is 75% water so we’re, basically, just lettuce with anxiety.

“You are now about to witness the STRENGTH of street knowledge,” I tell my Über passengers as I turn off my GPS.

sir, my pâté if you please

Fun Fact: When you die, someone will feel inconvenienced that your funeral is on a particular day. lol

I tried to take a picture of myself in the shower, but my camera kept fogging up.
I have selfie steam issues.

If a deadly alligator appears in the instant after you tell your friends you’ll see them later there is literally no way to warn them

*holds out bucket of fried chicken to passing marathon runners*

My favorite part of Twisters was the throughline about the storm chasers being altruistic, ditching science to help people, like for instance telling them to go the opposite direction of the tornado, or find shelter, or “get down.” Where would these Oklahomans be without them

Me: Do you want to hit the steam room after this?

Leonard the shrimp I work out with: *aggressive shrimp noises*

Me: Christ, it’s a joke Leonard. Calm down.

Them: you can’t handle this d…

Me:

DOCTOR: You only got one body. You should take care of it.
ME: If I only got one body, I should probably use it up. Really run it ragged.
DOCTOR: …
ME: Get my money’s worth.

Me, not making eye contact: Oh shit, I’m being weird.

Me, making eye contact: Oh shit, I’m being weird.

eek. i forgot hvac guy was in the basement and i have been very aggressively yelling at inanimate objects.

Old guys always send me a “Good morning beautiful” and never a “V, you are the only beneficiary of my 3 million dollars life insurance”… Romance is dead

It’s just too late in the day for me to investigate the overwhelmingly strong mustard smell in my kids’ bathroom.

This should not be this funny I am sorry😭😭😭

I admire people who make it easy to find the refrigerators cheese drawer when you visit their home.

*takes off sunglasses*

Me: Okay, weigh me now.

Talking scales: *sigh* You weigh the same but look a lot less cool.

I want to go back in time and find pre-kid me who thinks she is “so busy” and “so tired.” And I want to smack her.

colleague: do u like the clown from IT?

me: nah he never fixes my computer

Clearly I have no shame but thanks for asking. You must be new here.

Romeo: I lost my cow

Juliet: wherefore art cow Romeo?

My kids said they wanted to try something new this summer so I showed them how to vacuum & do laundry.

Mob Lawyer: This should be a easy non guilty verdict for you, Boss. All the prosecution’s witnesses are our guys. They know to lie while testifying.

Mob Boss: Who do they got?

Mob Lawyer: Let’s see. George Washington, Pinocchio, and Shakira’s hips.

Both: Oh shit.

[1st date]

“My birthday is on April 20th, so 4/20. Isn’t that cool? When’s yours?”

Oh, umm *sweating* Sextember 69th

Facebook is entirely there to remind you why you left.

A haunted house where they make you look at your checking account balance.

[if my brain were a computer]
uhg why’s the calculator app being so slow
*closes math tab to reveal 53 other tabs all playing cottoneye joe*