Proofread twice, hang posters once
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My 8yo nephew who has never seen a CD player before just asked if the eject button was for his seat in my car and in this very moment I wish it was
*paints car camouflage*
*stops making payments*
People are like “I’m gonna ugly cry” and I’m like “with that face, no doubt”
Leaned over to give my dog a kiss and he lifted his paw to shake hands, I’ve been friendzoned by my dog
[police car behind me]
Me: shit, was that a red light back there?
My dog: like a grey
Me: …
My dog: like a light grey. If that helps
Who called it America and not the fast food and the furious?
My husband and I are celebrating our “porcelain” anniversary in a few days. Sounds like someone is getting a new toilet this year.
Hey people – learn to spell!!!
I mean my co-workers. Twitter, you guys actually do pretty well, considering half of you are probably drunk.
football players have to wear helmets so they aren’t tempted to kiss the other players between plays
[putting an old car in reverse] oh this takes me back
Mark Ruffalo is the name you could most likely teach a dog to say.
Sympathy for my 5 year old who has just announced he is allergic to all vegetables except chicken nuggets
WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.
I’ll complain about the government invading my privacy after I tell you where I am on Facebook and posting what I’m eating on Instagram.
Commenting on a girl’s “goose-like stamina” is a nice compliment during sex and plants the seed for an interesting fact about geese later on
We’re not supposed to bring snacks to meetings because they’re a distraction, but so far no one’s realized my mask is full of Doritos.
Me: *snarl* Sorry. Been dealing with a work deadline, a pandemic, full-time distant learning, & trying to make sure my kid’s sole understanding of current events isn’t constructed by random youtubers & internet memes
Person: So, does that mean you’re busy?
Me: *laughing*
“love means never having to say you’re sorry”
“that is not what love means”
“sorry”
Please stop adding touchscreens to cars most of these idiots can barely drive as it is
Him: *looking at 6 empty paper towel rolls, maple syrup, spoons, and a tennis racket on the floor*
What happened?!
Me: There was a spider.
Ever look up at a star and wonder if someone else in the world is outside, staring at that same star while waiting for their french bread pizza to cook?
Removed my spanx slip and accidentally ricocheted myself into the neighbors backyard.
Frankenstein’s monster is on a date.
Her: “So, are you religious?”
Him: “I’m part Catholic.”
Her: “On your father’s or mother’s side?”
Him: “Neither, it’s my left foot.”
#FrankensteinFriday #RubbishJokes
HER: [flirting] I bet you have a lot of skeletons in your closet.
ME: Haha no. Those bodies won’t show their skeletons for months.
Our brain took two billion years to evolve. Two billion trips around the Sun. All so humans can use it to look at kittens on the Internet.
Pringles, it’s time to widen the can. Your target demographic isn’t thin-wristed.
girls don’t like boys who are punctual..
once this girl dumped me because i came early
The woman at the table next to me has been whining and complaining about her boyfriend for the last 20 minutes.
I’m not even in the relationship and I’ve broken up with her 4 times in my mind.
Rose: [in Titanic] I’ll never let go, Jack
Jack: 🥶
Elsa from Frozen: lol know what would be funny right now
It’s always funny when the flight attendant says “we know you have a choice of airlines” as if free will exists.