Proofreading this book couldn’t have been that hard?!
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Everyone: “You don’t watch Game of Thones?! Watch it immediately.”
After every episode: “That was HORRIBLE.”
4: *hands me a broken toy*
Me: oh no, I’ll see if I can fix it
4: ok but be careful next time
Me:
People think I’m a hugger, but I’m actually shaking them down for snacks.
Why Are My Nails Dirty When I Live Inside and Watch TV?
-a memoir
Remember when the biggest problem we faced was Gangnam Style
Husband: We’re invited to a dinner party
Me: Did Agatha Christie teach us nothing??
Just got kicked off a corn forum for saying you can eat the cob. I’ll just sign up with a different name. They can’t silence the truth.
[interrogation]
“How do u kno the deceased?”
I was his drug dealer.
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
I was his rug feeler. Tested his rugs.
Listen here weather report, don’t tell me 1” hail.
You tell me Oreo size hail so I can understand.
“LOOK, MA!!!!! NO DIGNITY!!!!”
sick of all these cute pet names like mittens or daisy. i’m getting a dog and naming it something cool like truckstop or concrete
“Bears are omnivores so if you think about it, eating porridge makes perfect sense.”
my date: *heavy sigh* “Ok. Do you have a second favorite book?”
Whenever I don’t want to listen to a song in the car with my wife I just lean over and whisper “my ex loved this song”
Most genies won’t tell you in advance, but sour cream is a separate wish from nachos.
If there’s cake in the fridge, the fridge becomes a medicine cabinet.
I don’t make the rules.
No one is reading any of these tweets. Feel free to unburden yourself. I murdered a drifter once. Wow. That feels great. Now you.
It’s not a coincidence that so many blues songs start with “Woke up this morning…”
[first day as lifeguard]
Kid: *waving dramatically*
Me: hey are u waving at me or those kids behind me?
love that every recipe article begins extended background context now. i came here to learn how to cook, but now i’m 6 pages deep into pancake lore. it’s the lord of the rings’ appendices for the modern age.
When my kids misbehave we watch ‘Honey, I Shrunk the Kids’ and then I make them stand in a giant Petri dish while I set up the machine.
“How was your trip, boy?” I ask my dog, petting his glowing fur. “There’s been a development,” he says gravely, removing his space helmet
Surgeon: scalpel.
[patient hands him scalpel]
Surgeon: oh shit! Lol. You’re supposed to be asleep.
My Twitter clique is basically five or six people who have mistaken me for someone else.
It’s been a rough few years, but it looks like things are finally getting worse
Me: *shopping for turtlenecks*
Amazon: People who bought this item also bought lye, plastic sheeting, and a chainsaw
BOSS: I want that report on my desk by friday
[1 a.m. thursday night]
ME (typing frantically): the surface is smooth, polished mahogany. top left drawer sticks a bit. corner is a little chipped
Told my 8yo he had to go outside and play for awhile before he was allowed to play more playstation
He refused because, “That’s bribery, Dad!” 😂
The only bright side to food poisoning is weighing yourself when it’s over.
[3am]
Me:
My Dog: time to set the world record for licking noises
“Is this true love or just a kidnapping?” I yell from the trunk