Proper labeling of axes is absolutely crucial.
You Might Also Like
her: did you know makeup expires?
me: *spits mine out* what
[kung fu fight]
“Your tiger claw is no match for my crane.”
*starts lifting heavy building materials*
I woke up this morning next to a dead fly that I don’t know. I need to stop drinking.
Seductively takes 378 bobby pins out of my hair
Therapist sighs, sets down glasses, rubs the bridge of his nose. “For the last time, Christy, eating ham is not a life plan.”
“How do you find anything in here?!”
-my mugger, giving my purse back
Excuse me, I鈥檓 sorry to interrupt but woodpecker tongues go all the way the hell around the top of their skulls like some kind of insane deli ticket machine
Movie trivia is always like, “The actor improvised when he screamed & threw the plate, so the reactions of fear from his co-stars are real. The actress who played the mom was 2 years older than the actress who played her daughter.”
Parenting:
1st kid: Document their every move
2nd kid: forget to pick them up 99% of the time
If zombies eat brains, 90% of Twitter is safe.
mary: my water broke
joseph: why do I smell grapes
genie: what’s your 3rd wish
me: i wish u had amnesia
genie: what’s your 1st wish
My ex sent me a text saying “please delete my number…”
I sent one back saying “who’s this?”
A dating app for angry people- Grumble
*walks in on son making batman & iron man action figures kiss*
wtf?
“dad i can explain”
u should never EVER mix the dc & marvel universes
A thousand Milwaukees is a Bilwaukee.
If diet and exercise are not working for you, try actually dieting and actually exercising.
Wife: You have no friends
Me: Of course I do
Wife: Family, Neighbors, Coworkers and those Twitter people don鈥檛 count.
Me: 馃
GOD: why aren’t there more plants on earth?
ANGEL: the snails are doing a bad job of pollinating the flowers
GOD: ok then let’s go to plan bee
My 5yo doesn鈥檛 always play his harmonica, but when he does, it鈥檚 at 6:33 in the morning.
My trainer suggested I get a tennis ball to message my back. I got it, but it just sits there. How do you make it go?
Putin takes over entire world while everybody searches for the missing plane.
Me: I need a new jar of thyme
Teenage son: it鈥檚 called an hourglass
First rule of Botox club:
Nobody look surprised when someone new joins.
I’ve spent 8 hours cleaning my house!! Keep in mind that this is over a period of 25 years, but still.
Going to get a facial today… this guy on Craigslist is offering a way lower price than the salon!
ME: It’s been suggested that you are the average of the 5 people that you spend the most time around. Over time, you actually become similar to them.
ZOOKEEPER: Get out of the penguin exhibit or I am calling the cops.
It鈥檚 impossible to buy a mirror that isn鈥檛 used
This is no longer winter this is harassment
A taco bell would actually crack almost immediately so that’s a stupid name