PROPOSAL: Rebrand shootings as “late-term abortion.” Watch the GOP scramble to stop them.
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I keep calling one of my soccer players by the wrong name but in my defense I’ve only been coaching the team for a month and I’m her mother.
Any shampoo can be volume control shampoo if you cram the bottle directly into your kids mouth
Once a year you should legally be allowed to end someone else’s date. Just hand them a card that says “Overheard you two talking and it’s imperative for humankind that you don’t pursue this further. Thanks.”
Schools be like: make sure to buy your kid a glue stick that we will never use
I want my house to be tidy enough so that if someone drops by unexpectedly it doesn’t look like we’re six days into battling a poltergeist.
ME:: I swear, I floss them after every meal!
OPTICIAN: like I said last time, don’t do that.
Guys, if you leave my tweet at the top of your timeline two days in a row, I’m sending out engagement announcements.
Couldn’t remember the word ‘ostrich’ earlier so I called it a giraffe chicken.
All I’m saying is when a person is intoxicated, it’s difficult to tell if they’re dancing or backing up.
I dropped and broke my phone today. Hurt more than childbirth!
*interrupts dinner
“IS THAT CLOCK REALLY YOUR GRANDFATHER!?”
ME: [holding door for wife]
WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?
Me: I’m so sick and I can’t taste anything
Disgusting cough syrup: Wanna bet?
Flex on a demon by possessing it first.
Me: Hmm, food is a splurge. Can’t afford it this week.
*sees a talking Batman cup*
Me: I absolutely need this right now or I’ll die
Waiter: would you like another drink before I bring you the check?
Me: holy shit how bad is it?!
*pops kid’s balloon*
*kid cries and runs away*
*picks up kid’s cake*
Husband: wtf is wrong with you?
Me: his piece was bigger!!
“We were convinced it was Monica from Friends,” said one scientist who asked to not be named
Parenting Pro Tip: If a 5 year old says he needs a potty stop, or he’s going to take a dump in the minivan, he’s not making idle threats
I’m terrible at balloon animals but pretty decent with balloon amoeba
PSA: Always be yourself
Identity theft carries a sentence of up to 15 years prison time
Can you imagine how fast those clowns who make balloon animals can roll a joint.
[gets invited to a party where kids are welcome]
*me to my baby goat* This is your moment to shine!
Baa!
“My name is–”
Moo!
“My name is–”
Neigh!
“My name is *chickenchicken* Slim Shady.”-Eminem at a farm.
a well-meaning but misguided stranger said my kids were so good they must go to church and my 6yo said, with the deadpan delivery of a trained actor, “what’s church”
I’m not doing the london marathon today but I reckon if I start training now and eat more healthily, next year I should be able to watch a whole one.
RELATIONSHIP STATUS:
A winged baby shooting people with a bow and arrows. Yeah, what wouldn’t turn me on about that?
Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids