*proposes to girlfriend, accidentally dropping the ring in the ocean*
“I’ll still marry you”
No. I’m married to the sea now
*dives in*
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“come on there is no place safer than on the surface of an asteroid out in the middle of space what could possibly happen out here”
HOT SINGLE MUMS IN YOUR AREA ARE LOOKING FOR YOU!
Oh god I hope it’s not another bake sale
“I’m not sure-”
wife: honey he’s a zookeeper if he says these are koalas I trust him-aww look at them!
*the raccoons hiss from the dumpster*
You call it the Friend Zone. I call it Palcatraz.
Capri Sun taught me how to stab with accuracy.
[three days after inventing phone]
*rrrrrriiiiiiiiinnggggg*
Alexander Graham Bell: oh ffs
Please stop asking Santa for the perfect woman…….
3 times he’s tried to kidnap me this week
For the record I support all forms of pizza. Deep dish, thin crust, large folded, all good. Delivery? Yes. Home made? You bet. A man covering himself with sauce and cheese and standing outside my window singing Air Supply? It’s a yes from me, pal.
Kids. Because who else is willing to stampede through the house sounding like an overweight elephant while also only weighing 30 pounds?
The best way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once.
I’m 34 years old and I still don’t know what to do when the barber shows me the back of my head with that little mirror.
Sleeping in a tent is so relaxing. You can hear the leaves rustling, the loons calling out on the lake and, if you listen closely, whimpering teenagers crying out softly “wifi, wifiiiii”.
Unmuting myself to say “thank you!”after a 1.5 hour meeting I didn’t contribute anything to
My boomer father in law couldn’t get his TV to work, the tv was plugged into a surge protector…that was plugged into itself.
(car dealer)
is the passenger seat also heated?
“Aww for ur wife?”
*imagines putting a fast food bag on warm seat after the drive-thru*
yes
I’ve never used the word culvert in a sentence. Well, until now.
Can’t stop thinking about really disturbing things today, like what if they had called him Illinois Jones.
What if your dog speaks French and this whole time has been asking you for some beef?
Today in my local Canadian newspaper there was a strongly worded editorial about littering.
Maybe Jesus doesn’t want lettuce to adore Him.
An esteemed colleague told me he hard-boils eggs in the morning, uses them as pocket warmers, and then has them as a little mid-morning snack when he gets to work.
Truly, the line between genius and madness is very thin.
Just look at all these clinical brochures I got at the Doctor. Alcohol abuse, drug abuse, unprotected sex…
Sounds like a fun night!
Sorry, package of toilet paper. I’m only making one trip from the car with these grocery bags, so you’re sleeping in the car tonight.
Watson was Holmes schooled
I find that if I wear my snorkel gear when I go check the mail, the neighbors are far less chatty.
I was arrested on suspicion of accessory to peeing in a pigpen but my lawyer says they’ll drop the charges if I squeal
*teacher sees students sharing a note*
Teacher: why don’t you read that out loud
Student: [reading note] Dear teacher, this is an intervention. Your methods of discipline via public humiliation are uninspired carbon copies of Hollywood tropes. We wrote this letter as a class…
ten years ago we had Jason Shoes, Carl Shirt and Daniel Problem. now we have no shoes no shirt no problem welcom to dennys what can i get u
You know what I really like about you, girl? You’re really down to earth. *waits for response, nothing. Goes to next tombstone* You know wha
oh you like architecture? name three walls