Props to the guy who numbered combo meals. Ordering a number four combo meal sounds a lot better than ordering a double quarter pounder meal
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Whenever I’ve fallen out with a member of my family I get revenge by aggressively making them tea with my least favourite teaspoon.
[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] what the heck
I’m not here for the attention. I’m just looking for victims for my next batch of ‘meat’ pies.
Told my kid that he had a viral infection and now he’s excited because he thinks he’s going to be famous online.
“I have so much to do” she says, staring at a tree for five years
Tinder, but for nearby people that have a printer you can use.
him: hands up, this is a robbery!
me *looks around* it’s actually a bank
Stores today are like, thanks for buying this gum, please tip us 20%, apply for our credit card, and round up to save the children. Also fill out this survey.
agent: *getting tortured* do your worst
villain: why would i do that
agent: it’s just… i was trying to sound tough
villain: i’m always doing my best
agent: i know. you’re doing great
villain: thanks
[outside a blazing house]
Firefighter: …
Me: …
Firefighter: …
Me: … There was a spider.
Saw my Elf on the Shelf walking out of the D.A.’s office and now I have to lawyer up.
“if your electricity goes out, you come see me before you do anything else.”
-fuse box on a power trip.
Some guys look classy carrying a flask. I look like a degenerate alcoholic, I dunno, maybe it’s my trackpants. Who’s house is this?
[murder scene]
Snail detective 1-He left a decent trail
SD2- Let’s track him down
*10 hours later*
SD1-Damn that guy is fast
Therapist: remember the key to a happy marriage is poise and self-sacrifice.
Me: [writes down poison self; sacrifice] that makes a lot of sense Doc.
Met this chinese guy with the surname Shen. His name’s Eric. As in Eric Shen. Have him for more than 4hours, call a doctor!
hell hath no fury like a toddler who lost the chance to push a button
DON’T make this weird…
(I whisper in your ear, as I pet your eyebrows)
“Move miss, please get out of the way. Please get out of the way, miss. Please get out of the way.”- Ludacris’s cousin, Kurteous
I told my 5 year old my birthday was coming up and he asked if we were going to have pizza and a bounce house and now I’m wondering why the hell I’m not.
5: mummy I want a sandwich
Me: you forgot to say the magic word
5: cheese
The best detective novels are the ones where the detective is on holiday but then get forced to solve a local murder. We’ve all been in that situation where we just want some peace and quiet but then a holidaying detective shows up and solves the murder we’ve just committed.
My 30 yr old called me this morning to ask when he had the chicken pox…please, I can’t even remember if I took my pills last night
I marked today on my calendar as “new client consultations” which was code for me having a day off because who wants a divorce consultation the day before Thanksgiving?!
Five. It appears 5 people want a divorce consultation the day before Thanksgiving.
HBO login: password must contain at least 8 characters, a number, an emoji, your college roommate’s maiden name, and a hieroglyph.
ATM: just any 4 numbers.
The first bird to chew food for her kids was probably just trying to leave for work on time.
WIFE *walking in* omg I just saw the cutest dog driving home from work
ME: wow *scratches head* I wonder what sort of job he does
The roadside sobriety tests are really getting tough … now you have to name all the Kardashians while folding a fitted sheet.
Life would be simpler if you were notified when you were added to lists IRL.
“Your crush” has added you to list “Friend Zone”.