Pros & cons of being a skeleton:
Cons: no sex, love, food, friendship, books, music, movies, art..
Pros: you can play your rib cage like a xylophone
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So your kid can speak 3 languages?
That’s great. Mine can speak lizard.
” So the boat was about to sink until I attached a sail to my boner and made it safely to shore”
Me if I was on the Titanic.
when you order from DoorDastardly
Me: It’s the cops!! We better skeedaddle!
Gang leader: I’ve asked you to stop saying that
I think the saying “every man for himself” was made up by women tired of making sandwiches
me: the heart wants what the heart wants
heart: please stop drin-
me: whiskey it is
Bears spend a bunch of time getting fat, sleep for a few months and then wake up skinny. Being a human is terrible.
her: when I die can you bury me in my favorite dress
grave digger: I usually just wear my overalls
A bug on my hood as I’m leaving the driveway. Suddenly I’m the nameless adult in a Disney movie ferrying him away from all he’s ever known.
Arthur just couldn’t quite get used to working from home.
At this point, I think the people on “The Walking Dead” are trying to bore the zombies into not biting them.
me: you hear old macdonald’s farm got replaced by artificial intelligence?
him: AI?
me: AI
him: oh
I drink a lot of water for someone who claims to hate being alive
Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the last twelve digits of pi.
My 3 year old wants 3 cookies because he’s 3. So I’m having 36.
“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.”
Boss: You’re always late…
Me: You are totally obsessed with me aren’t you
Note to self:
1) Your memory sucks.
2) Write note to self.
Guys: I’m educated about female issues.
Also guys: why is there a mail box in the girls bathroom stall?
The people naming dinosaurs should teach the people naming hurricanes how to name stuff.
It’s interesting to me that car drivers are the first to admit that other drivers are idiots, yet anytime you try to suggest policy that will take cars off the road, they’re the most resistant
Just for fun, I think I’ll get fitted for a casket and just use it as a coffee table until the big day comes.
Autocorrect completely socks
My sister and I were in an elevator and a lady got huffy and told us to speak English, so we obliged her and continued our conversation about her in English.
Wife- Don’t forget the trash.
Me *BATMAN VOICE- I’ll forget whatever I want.
Wife- What did you ju…
Me *Robin voice- I said, yes ma’am.
Yelling at my cat to stop hissing at my other cat, for god’s sake, Milo, we’ve got a pandemic on
Probably should schedule my next dentist appt for this week since I ate some street corn last night and this may be the only time I floss this year.
“Hey. You sleeping? No? Whatcha thinkin about? Hey. Did you hear me? Hey. Hey. Ok. You’re boring. I’m leaving… Jk I’m back. Hey” – Birds
Oh, dearest paracetamol,
A mystery to me,
Why sometimes you cost £1.10,
But sometimes 20p.
My browser asks “are you sure?” when I clear my history as if theres anyone more sure of what theyre doing than someone clearing his history