Pros of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.
Cons of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.
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Me: *eating turkey*
Cartographer: My work!
The only I would ever pledge allegiance to is peanut butter.
Life with a cat in one tweet
Not knowing the words to a song sure as hell doesn’t stop me from making random noises in an attempt to sing along anyway
turtleneck: oooh cozy
mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY
“You’re a nice guy”
One time I took a bite of my friends corn dog during lunch in elementary school and blamed it on someone else. So, I beg to differ
I have precisely ZERO idea what people are doing when they inspect inside their egg boxes at the supermarket. But for 20 odd years I’ve dutifully opened the box, nodded appreciatively, and then put my eggs in the trolley without the faintest idea what the hell I’m doing or why.
Sesame Street: this is an educational show
Me: oh yeah? what type of bird is that
Sesame Street: *flustered* a big one
I’m out here thumping watermelons like someone will murder my entire family if I pick the wrong one.
(Standing next to pool with a golf club and horse)
Friends: Are you sure you’ve played water polo before?
Before & after 😅
My husband: JUST TRUST ME
Me: Uhh you wanted to name both of our kids Atomic
When someone under 130 lbs calls themselves fat we should legally be allowed to eat them
I’m doing the lords work (judging)
I may be nodding and smiling, but I’m secretly diagnosing you.
Buying little gold star stickers so when people I’m speaking with say things I like I’ll stick one on their forehead.
Oh, dearest paracetamol,
A mystery to me,
Why sometimes you cost £1.10,
But sometimes 20p.
Why yes, YouTube, I *did* want to watch part 5 when part 2 ended. How did you know?
“Man, for some reason I’m not hungry at all today”
“It was a full moon last night – we ate a bunch of villagers”
“Ah shit, I forgot. More like unaware wolf, amirite?”
If microbiologists are so smart then how did they end up so tiny?
why I oughta
We’ve been having a problem here at work with guys spending too.much time in the restrooms. Not to get out if work but because the air conditioning in there is fantastic.
-tweet sent from stall #3
I don’t know why they invite me to an Easter egg hunt, then freak out when I turn up in camo gear with my rifle.
My best dating advice is to wait after you have two kids and a house before you tell her you speak elvish.
Homeless dude asked me for $10. Thought it was greedy but realized that we were standing outside Whole Foods. Totally legitimate request.
We’ll just have to agree to disagree is my favorite way of saying “you’re an idiot but I’m tired”
Ad: You like to save money, right?
Me (thinking): dear god, they’ve read my diary
If climate change were a real threat, we would all simply open our doors and air condition the world. C’mon man.
Society has this weird perception that nurses are the most nurturing parents.
My kids: My arm hurts when I move it!!
Me: Then don’t do it.
I don’t ALWAYS post filthy tweets, but when I do, it is right after I’m followed by someone with “my Lord and Savior” in their bio.