Pros of hiring me as a vet:
– Hard-working
– Experienced
– Reasonable pricesCons:
– Have been dubbed “The Horse Murderer” by the press
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Oceans 11? When I went to school there were just 5
I got this “breathe” tattoo because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.
all the sexy dinosaurs went extinct during the flirtatious period
*the doctor looks up at me after reviewing my blood test for several minutes*
are you sure you’re not a donut?
My son got hungry so I gave him a snack. His teacher is gonna say how he can’t eat and before I knew it, I yelled from the kitchen “Girl, he is at home honey!” & then there was silence…….
Morpheus: Take the blue pill, story ends
Neo:
Morpheus: Red pill, stay in wonderland
Neo:
Morpheus: Green pill, you learn to juggle
Neo: What-
Morpheus: This purple one is a skittle
His icy glare melts my creamy core. He’s so cold, beads of water drip down his exterior. My walls ache to be drowned by him.
-Oreo to milk
Kid: Can we pleeease stop for ice cream?
Mom: What did I just say?!?
Kid: Don’t you remember?
Me: I’ll end up doing the laundry later or later.
Husband: Don’t you mean “I’ll do it sooner or later”?
Me: Aww thanks babe, I hate laundry.
just wait til i figure out what algorithm means
Please come see my theatrical dramatization of the history of puns. It’s a play on words.
Celebrity Parent: You guys were named after awards I won.
Emmy: That’s cool.
Oscar: Wow, interesting.
Sag: You know, you did win a Tony…
me: I need to buy a train ticket
employee: window or aisle
me: *suddenly nervous* or you’ll what
Guys are like bears, if you lay very still they’ll paw at you a little bit then give up and go look for food..
TSA agent: Please remove all footwear
[moments later]
TSA agent: Not mine, sir
Hey morons, when in doubt, just spell it “theiyr’re.”
I took a shower bc hobo is an aesthetic not a scent
Wanna go out with me?
Make an awkward face for yes.
Name the entire periodic table for no.
It only looks like my kids are having popsicles for breakfast, Brenda, those are clearly frozen smoothies
I told the bartender, “surprise me,” and he gave me ice water.
Rent in the city is getting ridiculous. I pay $775 to live in a barista’s beard. I have 3 roommates.
him: is it true you eat 8 spiders a night
me: yeah they say most people do
him: but they’re usually asleep
me (crunching): semantics semantics
him: you have a leg hanging out of your mouth
I can easily make lemonade, but I have no idea what to do when life gives me a fitted sheet.
[invention of surfing]
“Stand on this wood so sharks don’t eat you”
just saw the gorilla thing. what kind of thoughtless, negligent parent would raise their child in ohio
All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.
Call me a hopeless romantic, but there’s nothing like a candlelit dinner to obscure the rodent droppings in my storage unit.
replying “so true bestie” every time a man tells me i’m pretty
Therapist: What is your greatest fear
Me: That Daniel Day Lewis could be playing the role of any person in my life
Therapist: *starts shifting very uncomfortably*
trying to carry a pet to bed is like moving a dense liquid that’s annoyed by you