PROSECUTOR: the defendant robbed 3 stores naked wearing only a teletubby mask
ME: *slams gavel* guilty as charged
Defendant: aren’t you my lawyer?
JUDGE: *missing his gavel* give that back
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My neighbor rolled her garbage bins out at 5:30am so in turn I entered her cell number on five car warranty websites
Remember guys, it costs zero dollars to be annoying to strangers on the internet.
Just walked to the mailbox and the neighbor drove his riding mower into a ditch. I would’ve helped him out, but I wasn’t wearing pants.
I accidentally opened a survey and tried to close it. I got a message that said “please answer survey!”
You need to slow your roll there survey.
Day 302 of my husband and I both working from home:
Me: *tapes note to microwave reminding coworkers to PLEASE CLEAN UP SPILLS THIS MICROWAVE IS FOR THE WHOLE OFFICE
My HOA says no parking on the street, so I flex on them by parallel parking at the end of my driveway.
when I die, mix my ashes with the potato salad at the wake. I want people to mourn my passing twice
Everyone makes fun of Aquaman, but he’s got it all figured out.
He spends all day chilling in the water.
His life is one big pool party.
Received this car text from my wife, and I quote: “Hey Siri text I am on my way mommy mommy mommy HOLD ON!”
I always wear a wet suit and goggles to the pub so I don’t look like an idiot when I wake up on the beach in the morning.
SHE has the mouth of a sailor…
…that recently retired & started a new career as a trucker.
[adds another nod to the conversation]
If Spiderman gets a lady pregnant, does she have 1 baby, or like 10,000?
My goldfish died. The good news is I’m inheriting a tiny treasure chest.
4: Mommy I’m sorry but you’re going to need to shower alone.
Me: Oh darn.
*30 seconds later*
4: I felt bad for you so I’ll sit right here while you shower
The biggest threat of punishment for my daughter is saying I’ll pick out her clothes for school.
Kinda weird that you can’t tickle yourself, but masturbation works.
My wife tried on my cargo shorts and now they have fake pockets.
[presents children to cashier]
I’d like to return these faulty condoms lol
[talks about how badass wolves are for 20 mins]
date: can we talk about something else?
[pulls out powerpoint on why wolves are badass] No
Becoming a parent changes your whole life.
One change I was not expecting was that whenever I sit down, I release a hormone only my child can detect that causes him to ask me for something.
Me and my dog accidentally butted heads. We’re both fine, but I’m concerned about my wife. She keeps asking me who the President is and I correctly tell her every time Ronald Reagan.
I need a house elf. No weirdos tho.
Ted Cruz continues to be a trailblazer as he becomes the first Hispanic person to flee FROM Texas TO Mexico because of ICE
“Thanks for saving my life” said no toddler ever
HIM: isn’t wintertime just so romantic
ME (smiles & my lips crack open & blood starts pouring down my chin): oh definitely
[Sits on chair backwards]
Now let me tell you about another “righteous dude” who had long hair and wild ideas.
Why does George Zimmerman keep popping up every 6 months or so? Is he the McRib?
[watching Queer Eye]
tan france on TV: *holding up a shirt* this is ghaaastly. this is the oogliest shirt i have evah seen.
me at home: *looks down* *is wearing the exact same shirt*