me: [getting stabbed]
me: [on fire]
me: [screaming for help]
me: [taking a dump while eating string cheese]
dog: [head between my legs] so whatcha doing
PROSECUTOR: the defendant robbed 3 stores naked wearing only a teletubby mask
ME: *slams gavel* guilty as charged
Defendant: aren’t you my lawyer?
JUDGE: *missing his gavel* give that back
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“It’s not you, it’s meat” – vegan break up
Me: At every sunrise you will transform into middle management.
Me: And you will go to bed at a reasonable time…EVERY NIGHT.
*stares into distance*
Distance: Please stop staring. It’s rude.
Who decided to call it a muffin top and not a belly donut?
Microwave manufacturers: we made a special button just in case you want to make popcorn in your microwave
Popcorn manufacturers: u touch that button and we will burn the whole goddamn house down
I draw tombstones in sand at the beach beside couples who draw hearts and shit.
We don’t need people like that in this world.
When someone patiently listens to you for an hour without judgment…
When your best friend listens to you for 10 minutes and tells you you’re being an idiot…
ME [opening a card from the boss that says ‘get better soon’]: but i’m not sick, sir
BOSS: no, you’re just
terrible at this job
Wife: Did u load the dishw-
Me: [slowly turning into a dog]
Wife: you can’t just animorph your way out of every argu–aww who’s a good boy?!