PROSECUTOR: Well, if you and your bandmates truly AREN’T responsible for the arson – as you claim – then I’m sure you wouldn’t mind revealing to the jury just which parties, locations, or world events you think ARE responsible?
*Billy Joel takes a deep breath*
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Hard as they try, cats are absolutely not helpful when making beds.
Her: Sorry I’m late. I just had the most horrific experience.
Me: Oh No! Did Dorothy’s house fall on you again?
Monopoly banker (inspecting check): Um, I’m gonna have to call the manager.
Giant metal shoe: I’ve been doing business here FOR 20 YEARS.
I wish I hadn’t bought so much Encyclopedia Britannica stock in 1999.
“I stalk people you’ve probably never heard of” -hipster stalker
I want to be rich enough where I’m not offended by the price of beef jerky.
CO-WORKER: Ten minutes until quitting time!
ME: Wow, you’re resigning too?
I was just published in Science Fiction Bin Monthly, the only sci-fi magazine that’s printed and then immediately thrown in a dumpster. You can read my story in this month’s issue, but you’ll have to fight a raccoon for it.
I think they could have phrased this better
i have no idea what’s going on but i want to be involved.
-kids
been adding little motivational notes in books so I can read more 😊
At least there’s one other woman who’s more wasted than me in this emergency room.
No, my mistake, she’s got dementia.
I’m not sure what’s more distressing:
Someone had the idea to invent a 72 hour deodorant.
Or that there’s a market for 72 hour deodorant.
Every parent who has picked up a toddler and taken them away from a playground while they kick and scream and cry is legally allowed to put “bouncer” on their resume’s work history.
The rules of the universe clearly state – to find the cup of coffee you were drinking, you must first pour yourself a new cup of coffee.
Granola Bars, for when you’re hungry & also want to teach your mouth a lesson
Girl are you the burning bush?
Cuz you’re hot. And there’s no conceivable reason you should be talking to me.
Twitter. Finally an app that makes people stop at yellow lights.
WAITER: Can I take your order?
CUSTOMER: I don’t know, can you?
WAITER: …Dad?
CUSTOMER: …son?
[they embrace, finally reunited]
DAD: But seriously, say ‘May I take your order’, you’re embarrassing yourself
Do dogs understand elevators or are they just like ok it’s time to get into the world changer
*sits bolt upright in bed* the pikachu is stored in the pokeballs
French fries are like the lifeboats on the Titanic. They never give you enough.
Objection your honor! He’s badgering the witness lmao
*Courtroom erupts in laughter*
Badger: Ok seriously I’m a lawyer and deserve respect
It’s not a family vacation until someone threatens to throw a prized possession from a moving vehicle.
I will never fall in love with any twitter girl here as I am scared that one of these unknown accounts may be a sting run by my wife.
My brother’s so homophobic that if he dropped his keys in San Francisco he’d kick them to Oakland before bending over to pick them up.
My doctor asked where I was in my menstrual cycle so I told her I’m on the ‘assuming everyone is mad at me’ day.
“I wonder what drinking fur would be like?”
~ Inventor of orange juice with pulp
Dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you both get naked and the societal expectation that women be smaller overwhelms you and the shame u feel about ur body drives you to tears
*Orders something on Amazon because I need a box*