Prosecutor: What exactly were you doing May 26, 2016?
Me: According to my tweets, I was sitting in my car eating Wendy’s.
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A man just shouted at me until I answered his questionnaire on christianity. He scared the b) Jesus out of me.
me: (11 pm) 😴
me: (1 am) 😴
me: (3 am) 😴
me: (5 am) 😴
me: (7 am) 😳DAMN! I forgot to move the elf, again!
Confession: I’ve said “Can’t wait!” about things I actually could wait for.
We’re playing Mario party and the boys keeps intentionally referring to Luigi as Louis and it’s making me irrationally angry.
For $5 I’ll comment on your exes new relationship status saying “you gave me herpes!”
During a zombie apocalypse, establish dominance by approaching the baddest zombie with the snappiest teeth and braid his hair.
“My wife worked a 12-hour day and I asked what was for dinner” I explain to the other homeless people.
Bring multiple sets of clothes to work, change every hour, and act like nothing’s different.
I’m watching a show about a cold case in a place called Townsville, and I’m furious the stupid cops have not asked the Powerpuff Girls for assistance. It’s incompetence is what it is.
Therapist: It seems like you have an
acute phobia of marriage. Do you know
the symptoms?Patient: I can’t say I do.
Therapist: Exactly. That’s one of them.
Best part about marriage?
NO MORE CONDOMS!!!
Worst part about marriage?
No more sex.
Friend: “I grilled some chickens over the weekend.”
Me: “Did you get the information that you were looking for?”
Ugh. My bed is infested with children.
Co-worker: *tells story*
Me: I’m so sorry to hear that.
CW: What? It’s not a bad story.
Me: No, I’m just really sorry I had to hear it.
Me: *takes off my clothes*
Masseuse Instructor: No. The client removes their clothes…not you.
[really awkward birthday party]
FIRST EVER PERSON TO SING HAPPY BIRTHDAY: [takes deep breath]
Him: When will she be coming around the mountain?
Me: When she comes
Him: I know but when
Me: When she comes dude
Him: That’s not a time
Me: I’m going off of the information I have
Him: Do you know the horses she has?
Me: Yes six white horses
Him: See how do you know that
In Medieval times, people used antimony as a 𝘳𝘦𝘶𝘴𝘢𝘣𝘭𝘦 laxative.
Today, we can eat a different hotdog every day.
Cardio? Is that in Spain?
[meeting at the headquarters of literally any app]
good morning everyone, let’s get started. the first and only item on our agenda is, how do we make this app worse
When I run into an old friend, and I have no idea what they’ve been up to, I just say, “I love your podcast.” Haven’t been wrong yet.
The Exorcist was probably the worst workout video ever.
Please quit telling me to “keep up the good work” the good work was an accident and impossible to replicate
As I move away from the hometown that’s nurtured and protected me ever since I was 9 years old, I fondly wave goodbye to the place that saw me grow from a 50 pound weakling in to a 250 pound weakling.
Of course you should follow me. I’m funny. Ask anyone. Well, except my mother-in-law. Don’t ask her.
An app that makes the sound of a door slamming when you hang up on someone who pissed you off.
Ladies, if he:
– is hairy
– has trouble communicating
– is 1′ 4″
– wears a deerstalker hat
– solves mysteriesHe’s not your man. He’s Detective Pikachu.
I didn’t like you in high school, I don’t like you now. #WhyIDontUseFacebook
I’ve deleted enough tweets to know that I should never get a tattoo.