PROSECUTOR: you chipped a golf ball down a clowns throat
ME: i honestly thought that was part of the course
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Dog park man handed me an ice cream and I must’ve looked a bit too excited because he felt the need to clarify it was for the pup not me
I hate people who are like “drunk words are sober thoughts”.
Drunk me has called 911 because she was “dying from lack of attention”, she can’t be trusted
Is it still casual sex if you’re wearing a tuxedo?
Just broke my very own personal record of most consecutive days without dying.
Marie Kondō’s method really has been magical. I’m ridding my home of anything that doesn’t “spark joy.”
So far I’m down one washing machine, one vacuum, and a husband.
HOW TO KEEP YOUR MOM OFF TWITTER
Has there ever been a more American story?
Social anxiety pro tip: start bringing celery and hummus to parties when you’re 25 and by the time you hit 30 you’ll be free every Saturday night forever
the holes in my logic are there so it can breathe
Women: ugh, my period again
Me: In highschool I had 6 periods a day – No big whoop
hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.
Me: That guy is a bad apple.
6-year-old: He’s a person.
Me: I just meant he’s mean.
6: Probably because you called him an apple.
just a heads up. i will be running around the house. as fast as possible. for the next 15 seconds. i will have no regard for furniture. or any individuals in my way. when i am done. do not ask me why i have done this. because i do not know
if you shouldn’t go food shopping when you’re hungry then you should definitely not go clothes shopping when you’re naked. trust me on this.
Nothing says you’re over your ex like showing up at his wedding with a bride and groom voodoo doll.
My optometrist: Well, it’s normal as you age for…
I don’t know what he said after that.😑
Bury me next to a kangaroo skeleton and put boxing gloves on me.
Friend: Call me when you wake up
[3 days later]
Me: Okay I’m up!
Steve Austin: nice to meet you
Medusa: the pleasure is mine
Stone Cold Steve Austin:
My 3-year-old’s favorite game is Restaurant which just entails her putting on a chef’s hat and me ordering dessert and no matter what I order she says, “We don’t have that.”
My problem isn’t that I lose all my chapsticks. It’s just that I don’t remember which one I used the last time I had the flu.
If somebody my age is out past 11 PM they just got off the second shift at work.
microdosing bungee jumping by bending over to pick up a hair tie
Anyone who feels bad about dumping a huge national debt on the next generation hasn’t spent a lot of time around teenagers.
FACT: if a cop says FREEZE and then you say “now everybody clap yo hands” he has to drop his gun and clap and then you can get away.
wife: how many beers is that for you?
me: yep
An interrogator that just goes into the room and loudly eats a peach until the suspect confesses to everything.
Overheard: “I think that guy is listening to us.”
Yes I was hurt that your cat ignored me, even though I’m allergic. I’m the same way with party invitations.
date: i love mussels
me: i hate working out
date: i mean from the sea
me: i’m sorry i can’t be aquaman