*prospective pet owner interview
Dog (suspicious): Uh huh. And what exactly do you want from me in exchange for this “food” and “shelter”?
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-hey lucifer. did it hurt
-did what hurt
-when you fell from heaven
-for the last time gabriel i am not going out with you
If you eat guns, you’ll sweat bullets.
It’s science.
The corona virus should mutate into something nice for a change
thanks for leaving the volume on an odd number all night now I have to sage the house three times to even it all out
I’m a savant in that I can look at any block of cheese, no matter the size, and tell you exactly how many Triscuits you’ll need to eat it all.
I have such a bad cold that when I breathe through my nose, it sounds like Marge Simpson sighing/expressing disapproval.
If I worked at a wax museum, I think a good joke would be to put a wick coming out of all of their heads.
There is no “I” in the word “team,” but I don’t think that means anything about team work. That’s just how it’s spelled.
Good cop: We know it was you. Just confess.
Murderer: I didn’t do nothin’
Breaks the fourth wall cop: Your name in this tweet is Murderer.
me: how much for the wireless mouse?
pet store employee: that’s a hamster
My kid: Hurts his eye putting on safety goggles
Alanis Morisette: *deep breath*
A guy in the waiting room at the therapist’s office kept whispering they’re coming to get us, they’re coming to get us, I sat next to him and whispered how much longer, I’ve been waiting an hour.
Sorry I packed all your things up and put them outside when you said you were leaving.
I didn’t hear “to work.”
Children look up to me. They say “Hey mister why are ya sleepin in that tree?”
I did some exercise in 2010, I should be good for another few years…
Whoever taught my five-year-old daughter how to “air quote,” I need to speak with you privately.
If I were a cashier I’d pretend people were waiting in line to kiss me.
goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles
Do you want to taunt a snowman?
If your kid eats the chocolate bunny’s feet first, “so it can’t get away,” that’s your future serial killer right there.
absolute chaos
A girl named Ruth quit working at our office. I’ve been referring to the office as “ruthless” since then. People are pissed.
i know an apple a day keeps the doctor away but what can i do about the rest of these people?
So Torchwood, the Who spinoff, is notably an anagram of Doctor Who, so obviously this must be the rule for all subsequent spinoffs. I’m now going to pitch my show “Hoot Crowd” about a large group of time-travelling owls.
Hot girls tweet things like “his words. my curves. pain. my soul. barbecue sauce” and get 27k likes WTF is this app
saw girl I have crush on with her new fiance at Ikea but you know what they say, when God closes a Stǿrås Innjørdën he opens a Főnstǝrviviǵ
just yelled YOU DONT KNOW ME at uplifting bathroom graffiti that read “you are enough”
“Those aren’t the variants you’re looking for” –
Obicron Kenobi
Who else holds a fridge door open like you’re waiting for some answers?
GF taking me on a surprise V-Day getaway. At least I think. Not sure what the lime and shovel in the trunk with me are for though.