protagonist: tag you’re it
antagonist: no you’re it
pennywise: are you kidding me?
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[Lou Bega voice]
One, two, three four
[Proclaimers voice]
five hundred miles
I love how I can spend all day unabashedly getting naked and intimate with strangers but then wait until it’s dark outside to put my garbage on the curb because I do not want to be observed by people
Them: What did you make for dinner?
Me: Arroz con pollo
Them: What’s that?
Me: Chicken and rice
Them: Why didn’t you just say that?
Me: 🤦♀️
I’m sorry I said your baby has a face for radio.
after you pay a bill, the website is like “would you like to make another payment?” and it’s like? um no dude. no, i don’t want to do that. like sorry do you think we’re buddies? “hang out awhile, maybe pay another bill” no dude. we do NOT have that kinda relationship man sorry
trying to act casual so the printer doesn’t realize this is time sensitive
It’s not a competition, we’re both tired and I’m way more tired than you.
When you msg me @ 9:30am w/ just “Morning,” don’t be shocked when I wait till 12:00pm & respond w/ “Noon.”
Seriously, what did ya expect?
Her: Have you seen the salsa?
Me: Yes. I must have left it in the bathroom
Her:
Me: Take my pic *hands him camera & giggles*
Him: What’s funny?
Me: Nothing.
Him: *presses button, explodes, dies*
Me: Ha! Photo bombed!
If my boyfriend really cared about me, he’d stop being imaginary…
My sister thinks macadamia nuts is an STD.
[introductions at a party]
Me: this is my first wife
Her: and current wife
Me: and these are her kids
Her: they’re also his
Me: we keep it friendly
Her: on account of we’re still married
Me: and I love these kids like they’re my own
Her: because they are
One of the best things about painting a room is getting to lick the empty paint can when you finish up a gallon.
I remember when all this was farmland!
*gestures toward internet*
If babies named Todd don’t call themselves “The Toddler” then what’s the point of having a douchebag baby name like Todd?
Glad I spent all this money on Bath & Body Works body wash just to make my wash cloths smell nice
I am at my most pretend homemaker when I have a repair person in the house. Who me? Oh I’m just gonna sit here and handsew the trim back on this pillow and when I’m finished with that I’m going to sort my dried flowers for two hours.
Promised myself that today I wouldn’t steal anything, kill anyone or use any Meatloaf song lyrics in a sentence & two out of three ain’t bad
Virtual learning silver lining: When your kids don’t leave the house all day, you can go longer without bathing them.
Stupid people who suddenly make a smart decision have no idea how confusing that is for the rest of us.
My boyfriend just sent me a txt: ‘I think I want to see other people.’ My reply was, ‘You better look out the window.’
I’m never more in denial than when I pack running clothes for a weekend trip to the beach.
*Uses public restroom
**Squats so long walks out with buns of steel
ME: Hello, Amazon Support? Yeah this package I just got looks like it was smashed from the inside with a bunch of hammers!
AMAZON: Sorry sir, what was in the package?
ME: Hammers
if my sleeping schedule was a person
Twitter is great because you can tweet “hi” and someone will tell you you’re wrong.
I carry dental floss with me at all times because you never know when you’re going to need to garrotte a co-worker.
When you pick your nose after dusting the house
I got a bracelet that posts where I ran, and how far to facebook, and I put it on a deer. So it just looks like I’m lost in the woods.