Protect your Twitter account from plagiarism by only tweeting things that nobody cares about.
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[takes a deep drag on a cigarette & stares off into the distance] Sometimes a man needs to unplug everything and be alone with his thoughts… and a 3lb corned beef brisket. And a jar of deli mustard. And some rye bread. Maybe a dark beer, but the point is a man needs alone time.
Video games have given me an unrealistic expectation of how easy it should have been to get sneakers on a hedgehog.
Black and white films:
MAN: You there, young man!
A FORTY YEAR OLD MAN: Yes?
Me: Goddamn this mac and cheese is crunchy
Wife: You’re supposed to cook it
I threw my cat a surprise party. Long story short, I need 30 stitches and learned I should never scream ‘SURPRISE’ directly in my cat’s face
If I had a nickel for every time I had a nickel I would just continue getting nickels until I had all the nickels.
Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it’s Tuesday. My car still thinks it’s 1987.
Would you rather have ten thousand dollars or five dollars for every time you thought you were hilarious but no one laughed?
things are looking up for me, a very eccentric russian guy and his wife who claim to be artists and live in the house they’re building by the lake just invited me to their very weird sounding housewarming party
yesterday at the grocery store i saw 2 celebrities singing the imagine song to a shattered bottle of kombucha that fell on the floor
Accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now i run around the house uncontrollably at night.
Big Sex has us all fooled
WIFE: It’s great having kids, isn’t it?
ME: Oh yeah, it’s the best
W: How long until they go to bed?
ME: 4 hours, 17 minutes & 26 seconds
I can’t believe I live in a world where our only defense against a blizzard is buying extra milk.
5: mummy I want to hug you forever *walks off to kitchen*
Me: I thought you wanted to hug me forever
5: yeah now I want cheese
Adrenaline Junky:
*Almost falls to certain death*
WHAT A RUSH!!Me:
*Almost drops grilled cheese sandwich*
SAMESIES!!
My husband said I looked tired so I ate his ice cream bar.
I got replaced as Romeo in the high school play because the girl playing Juliet kept stabbing herself in Act I.
Me: I’ll have the steak
Waiter: how do you like it
Me: idk I haven’t eaten it yet
me: I love the feel of fresh, crisp sheets against my naked body
clerk: ma’am, this is a Bed Bath & Beyond. please put your clothes on and leave
Cannibals are so full of themselves and other people
Remember to recycle your pizza boxes
It’s for the Greta good
Like a lioness protecting her cub, but it’s me lunging at the coworker about to nibble on my favourite pen.
Made a weird face in the mirror this morning and I looked like Ted Cruz. This is my suicide note.
ME [8:49PM]: on my way, taking a crab
GF [8:50PM]: u mean a cab
ME [8:52PM]: not exactly. be there in several days
It’s finally mandatory for people to stay 6 feet away from me.
My opponent would have you believe I wear a tinfoil hat to block government mindreaders. I wear it to pretend I am from space. No questions
mob boss: i need u take out the rat
[later]
rat: [sets napkin down] the cheese was to die for
me: yes it was
rat: what
Re-using mouthwash is one life hack you’ve heard here first
If I say, “Don’t worry, I’m on it,” there’s a 98% chance I’m referring to my couch.