Protip: Eclipse glasses are not cheap but if you wait until tomorrow you can get a really good deal on them.
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Discovered 24 long forgotten beers in the basement refrigerator so I鈥檓 about to crack a cold case.
I threw out all the clothes that no longer fit and now I’m a nudist.
Vader: I’ll teach you the Death Star’s power
Leia: By blowing up my planet?
Vader: By showing you a PowerPoint presentation
Leia: NOOO!!!
A first date is probably the best time to show off your wicked hand puppet skills.
Earth? yeah, I’d hit that -meteor
I wish they sold off-brand cars.
I鈥檇 get me a Joop
“I was exposed to COVID and have to quarantine” is now my go to excuse to get out of literally everything.
shaggy: look out, it鈥檚 a g-g-g-ghost!
fred: there鈥檚 no such thing as ghosts
scrappy doo who is a literal talking dog: yea shaggy u stupid human idiot
If you don’t want your kids to leave the bathroom light on all the time don’t ask them to wash their hands so much duh.
That guy who just spent 2 hours washing and waxing his sportscar looks like a douche. C’mon boys, you know what to do.
– Birds, probably
its that time of the year again, don鈥檛 forget to hang your missile toads
I wish they had an app that allows you to delete your number from other ppl’s phones.
“Does my uniform make me look fat?” -Insecurity guard
Idea: flamethrower but instead of fire it shoots hungry mosquitos out at my enemies.
Wife: is he okay?!
Doctor: he will be fin-
Me: *slips him $20*
Doctor: he’ll never walk again
Me: *acting surprised* oh no, and on the day we were gonna put up the Christmas lights!
It鈥檚 fucked up that probably everyone believes their pets share their political views
Not saying I’m special but kids these days never have any money behind their ears.
But what is Congress going to do about the fact that I made too much pasta last night 馃槨
No one is more full of crap than a parent who threatens to take away electronics for a week.
The USS B port
“this corrupt city needs a hard rain. a hard penetrating rain for a dirty city. a thrusting rain. god so deep” – from my novel Sex Rain
It鈥檚 so hot farmers are harvesting tomato soup.
I only spent $9,842 on bras and panties at the Victoria鈥檚 Secret Semi-Annual Sale. Nothing like saving money.
Just finished a series of paintings of mass murderers. A friend wants to put them on display but I think hanging’s too good for them.
I accidentally got my blow up doll pregnant.
Related: I’ve got some balloons for sale.
A missing 3YO was found inside a bowling alley claw game. After many failed attempts to get him out, police just settled on the turtle doll.
So I went to the store and bought 5 oranges, but somehow I lost 2 on the way home. Then when I got home I found I had 3 oranges behind the coffee machine — and now I’m officially the guy from the math problem you hated.
my date ended up being a mannequin
i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the movies
What I lack in legs I make up for in forehead