Protip: If a coworker tells you they had a dream about good versus evil, don’t ask which one were they.
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If he stars all your photos that means he’s leaving his wife for you, right?
A toddler will look you dead in the eye and ask you if it’s Christmas soon when Christmas was yesterday
[dentist chair]
how’s school?
*I start talking, dentist notices his hand isn’t in my mouth*
oh sorry
*puts hand in my mouth*
how’s school?
8: Dad you’re not spending time with me just cuz you’re getting material for Twitter, right?
Twitter Dad: No I love you, Pete.
Mike:
BRITISH COMPANY: *gives free estimates*
AMERICAN COMPANY: *gives free estifriends*
Jan. 1, 2021: We did it, guys! That awful year is behind us!
Aug. 4, 2021: The snake wolves have taken Illinois. Here’s what that means for Ohio volcano refugees.
Nothing shows more confidence in humanity that a mom with 4 kids in a drive through not checking the order before she pulls away
Toddler: I won’t eat that lovingly prepared, absolutely delicious, gourmet meal because it’s yucky
Also Toddler: Eats 5 week old goldfish cracker from car seat and cries for more
“You run like you’re making fun of running.” -my brother
H: I feel like you are ignoring me
M: trust your feelings
Good night cop: Want the light on or off? Sweet dreams kiddo.
Bad night cop: You will go to sleep or I will put you to sleep.
My kids slept til 7:30 on the weekend so I gave them ice cream for breakfast and let them ride their bikes in the house.
Daniel LaRusso: oh man I get it, muscle memory! So the painting was teaching me-
Mr Miyagi: *smug nod* karate
Daniel: sanding the deck was-
Miyagi: karate
Daniel: and collecting your dry cleaning was-
Miyagi: anyway let’s move on
My dogs didn’t feel the earthquake because they have constant gas.
BARTENDER: what can i get you
MOTH: gimme a bug light
High School Reunions are bullshit. Why would I pay money to see people I’ve been deliberately avoiding for the past 20 years
Searching for your soulmate could take years. Making a slice of toast takes minutes.
I only Googled how to make a bomb so I can be sure I don’t accidentally have bomb making equipment in my house that would get me arrested in a surprise police raid.
Cop: And yet, here we are…
[calling in sick]
BOSS: This is the third time in a month you’ve had a stomach flu…How is that even possible?
ME {trying to not let on I’m a cow}: Well I definitely have only one stomach that’s for sure
customer behind me in line: hey I think your phone is ringing
me: oh *declines it* thank you
Pretty sure I burned off a print making dinner, so if anyone needs my right middle finger for doing crimes, hit me up.
Every month my landlord sends an email letting me know that in these trying and uncertain times rent is still due on the first.
my girlfriend has literally 40 browser tabs open on her $170 chromebook. some tabs are like a week old and it’s not even slowing down. it’s astounding. trying to imagine what 1998 me would think of that. he’d be amazed i have a girlfriend
[DEATH ROW]
WARDEN: Last meal?
CON: Just a glass of lemonade please
*Drinks lemonade/Burps*
WARDEN: Pardon
[CON WALKS FREE]
W: SHIT
ATM is telling me I have insufficient funds. Worst part is I was just walking by minding my own business.
*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*
My doctor told me I’ve been using Q-tips incorrectly. At least I think that’s what she told me. I couldn’t really hear her that well.
Exercise makes you look better naked. But so does whiskey, it’s your choice.
Don’t you have anyone you can talk to? – me as a therapist
Reporter 1: see Argentina needs to score here because if not they lose
Reporter 2: so true jon. So true