Protip: If a party guest says “I don’t dance” what he’s really telling you is “make my drinks stronger please”.
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Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.
[Installing ceiling fan]
Me: drill…screwdriver… tape…there finished!Wife on the phone: Is this Bob’s fix-it shop? Yeah, he just got done.
It’s getting Hot In Herre, so take off all your clothes! Also, drink this water because I don’t want you to get dehydrated.
-Nervous Nelly
don’t hate robert altman’s 1992 satirical comedy “the player” hate david fincher’s 1997 psychological thriller “the game”
U U U U U U
An American’s tile rack after a Scrabble game.
Me: You just had a bath, please stay clean
My 4-year-old:
{Reaching adulthood}
ME: Oh, good, turns out no one knows what they’re doing.{2 minutes later}
ME: Oh, wait, seriously?? NO ONE KNOWS WHAT THEY’RE DOING??
Every time you reply to a text from your ex, Taylor Swift completes another album.
Don’t be an enabler. Drop the phone.
I don’t know, Jay-Z. If I was worth half a billion dollars, I’d have like 3 problems. Max.
One of my 4 nephews just brought me wine and said, “Here’s your Christmas juice,” and now he’s the one I’m leaving everything to.
I ate vegetables and now I’m hungrier than before. Donuts don’t betray me like this.
shoutout to the guy who invented the term “water resistant”. a true hall of fame lie
It doesn’t matter how old you get, buying snacks for a road trip should always look like an unsupervised 9-year-old was given $100.
If someone tells you you’re cute, ask them to name 3 other people they find cute so that you can react appropriately.
Scientists: we want to put a chip inside your brain.
Me: [thinking about Doritos™] I’m one step ahead of you.
*boss trying to relate to younger employees*
“Excited for the weekend? I know I’ll be *looks down at Wikipedia print-out* Yoloing for sure!”
I didn’t come here to be called names
ME: *moistens lips with tongue*
DENTIST: don’t ever do that to me again
If there was an Oscar category for ‘Best Female Taking An Imaginary Phone Call So She Could Hang Up With Her Mom’ I’d win that shit all day.
Me: Do I get naked now or at the end? I’ve never done this before and I’m really nervous.
Priest: For the love of god, just kiss the bride.
You know that chick who said, “Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels?”…
Yeah, well I ate her.
Wife: What are you doing today?
Me: Just gonna scroll Twitter
W: WHAT ABOUT OUR SON???
M: Nah he can’t read
when I was little, I always wanted to explore in my mom’s bedside table and she was horrified if I would even touch the drawer.
now I know it’s because that’s where women hide the good snacks
Now I’m trying to see if I can hear the ocean
– me, as a gynecologist
Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?
I’d rather be hit in the face with a shit-filled sock than to ever attempt helping my parents install a DVD player over the phone again
I have to pick my dad up from work tonight, how the turntables. I wonder what embarrassing things I can do when I pull up to his place of business
Welcome to your 40s. You ask your spouse for the name of the next street because you can’t read the sign yet, but they can’t read it either. For the next several minutes you’re engaged in a heated competition to see whose eyesight is worse.
Every morning when I leave the house, I’m run over by the same kid on a bike.
It’s a vicious cycle.
I want a car horn that shouts obscenities.