Protip: If you refer to yourself as “someone” when explaining something bad that happened, your wife will always know that “someone” is you.
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As a Dad, you always want your kids to be prepared for real life, that’s why trolling them is so vital.
I used the guest towels to dry the dog after his bath if you were wondering what I’m getting yelled at about today
Sorry I picked up your pug and ran him in for a touchdown.
I named my toilet Jim instead of John and now everyone is always so impressed when I tell them I go to the Jim everyday.
Found out that my girl puts peas in her Mac n Cheese… Our whole relationship is a lie… Why couldn’t she just sleep with someone else like a normal person?
*Ordering Chinese Food
Vanilla Ice: I’ll have egg rolls and chicken fried rice rice baby
Went on ChristianMingle .com and kept asking myself, “Who Would Jesus Do”?
chip clip: *hears crinkling of bag* hey buddy, you think you’ll be needing me at all
me: not tonight, my friend
I’m not superstitious because it brings bad luck.
I came home and my gf had laid out rose petals from the door, down the hall and into our bed. There were even rose petals in the shower, my sock drawer and my jacket pocket. And even in the medicine cabinet where my EpiPen usually is because I AM SEVERELY ALLERGIC TO ROSE PETALS
Beyonce was Destiny’s Child. The other two were adopted.
In retrospect, Mr. Burns gave me an extremely unrealistic view of how funny a rich guy who controlled everything could be
If you’re wondering what all these scratches on my chest are from, it’s because my cat hates to get in the hot tub with me.
Him: Is that a horse drawn carriage?
Her: I can’t quite tell
Horse: *sobbing* Well you try holding a pencil with your hooves
I just got a text saying they lost my cell number & could I send it. This is the level of stupid I deal with.
To whoever has my voodoo doll, stop making her go to work !
I don’t even check my bank account no more. I just swipe my card and if it’s god’s will money will be debited
we all have needs. I need my wife to go run errands so I can swipe the last cherry danish.
My body is a temple
for potatoes.
If the world made any sense, all sperm whales would be male.
“Opps” is my favorite typo because it suggests the thrill of a secret counterinsurgency.
My husband and I are looking for someone to whistle show tunes while we have sex in our hot tub. Serious inquires only, please.
*adds another woman to the stick figure family decals on this car window*
And now we wait.
Driving class: 10 and 2
Real life: 7 and french fries
Evil villain: You can run but you can’t hide!
Me: That’s where you’re wrong pal. *out of breath* I can’t do either
Me: How long should I microwave this for?
Popcorn instructions: How should we know?
I suck in my stomach when I weigh myself like my scale will be all “oh she’s much thinner than I thought, I’ll adjust the numbers.”
This chloroform smells expensiv…
My wife just asked me why she came home to find marinara sauce all over our sleeping baby’s head. Sorry babe, I’M NOT A DETECTIVE.
I’m posting this because I’m honestly at a loss. I’ve been in this situationship for as long as I can remember & I need advice. There’s this guy & he’s honestly SO nice & he gets me whatever I want but he only visits once a year & only when I’m sleeping & then he just disappears.
I’m just curious if anyone has been through anything like this? Any advice? I don’t even have his number I just write him letters.