Protip: If your coworker has a picture of herself and her dog labeled “Beauty and the Beast” you shouldn’t ask her which one is which.
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The best way to express your disagreement is by slapping people with a fish.
THE NEWS: gas prices are at an all time high
ME: *hasn’t left my house in over 2 years* oh no
Q: Why isn’t the moon hairy?
A: Because it waxes every month.
I see: A clean house.
My kids see: A blank canvas.
Absolutely cannot wait for the Jonas Brothers’ third film: Happiness Ends.
If you’re not sure about having kids, have someone say “Mom!” 100 times before 7am & see if it’s right for you.
Olive Garden said “when you’re here, you’re family” so I always bring a family therapist, a lawyer, a young priest, and an old priest with me, in case they are anything like mine.
Got kicked off from Instagram for eating my food before posting a pic of it.
The bank robbery would have ended much better for me if I hadn’t stopped on the way out at the ATM to deposit the money.
11: can I see one of your last tweets?
Me: *pulls up tweet*
11: no, I meant a funny one
Things were going well with my date, until she noticed my Roomba was a Frisbee glued to a bunch of rats
Me: I’ll wait until the end of time for you
Her: Ok good that was my plan too
If you don’t like your son, grab a football and tell him to go long. Never throw it. He’s gone now.
Caught a belt loop on a door handle and got yanked back with such force that my audio is no longer in sync with my actions.
Someone just said the secret to getting ripped is no sugar, gluten, or carbs
Sounds like I’m eating water and air today
Betrayal only comes from someone we’re close to. Just like herpes.
Once kids are awake my usage of the word “don’t” goes up 2000%
“i miss shittin on people”
[paddling along the amazon silently in a kayak]
wife: “it’s so beautiful”
me: “can you believe they named this after a website?”
Sometimes I really want to throw paper at people. Brick shaped Paper. Made of brick.
One thing twitter has taught me is that someone, somewhere in the world is thinking exactly the same thing you are.
I was trying to be fancy using a pepper grinder and now I’m just exhausted from the manual labor
Chines crypto account who dm’ed me was suspended before I could respond. Can’t help but wonder, did I miss out on a great opportunity?
It’s absurd how none of the chicks at this park are recognizing my swag *puts flip phone back in my fanny pack. Rollerblades away*
My kid spent a long time washing kinetic sand off his hands, so now he’s clean, but the bathroom looks like it went to a rave on a beach
I still have a landline. Or as I like to call it, Cell Phone Finder.
Me: *Asks question on snapchat*
Them: *Answers question on snapchat*
Me: “Wait, what did I ask again?”
Happy Lunch to those who celebrate!
“Clue” is a board game about people trapped in a house and one of them is a homicidal maniac who has just killed. Ages 8 and up.
Swordsman: [draws sword] prepare to die
Me: [takes out pen] oh I don’t think so buddy