Protip: if your date is going to throw a drink at your face, at least open your mouth, because hey, free drink.
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I have a friend who met her husband when her mom married his much older brother when she was 8. So her future husband was the much younger brother of her stepdad. I usually lose people around this point and have to say, “Imagine if you and your mom had the same mother-in-law”
[me dress shopping]
“Ohhhh that’s cute”
*an 80 year old buys it*
Me (to 7): Son, we…
Wife (in earpiece): have to talk
M: Have to talk
W: about girls
M: About grills
W: NO
M: NO
W: IDIOT
M: IDIOT
When my 4 year old asked where babies come from my toddler immediately responded, “mail man.” Now I feel like I owe my husband a phone call and we need to cut back on our online shopping.
2010: Didn’t jog
2011: Didn’t jog
2012: Didn’t jog
2013: Didn’t jog
2014: Haven’t jogged~ This is a running joke
You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..
How people watch movies when they’re:
DATING *hold hands*
ENGAGED *cuddle*
MARRIED *one person turns the volume up while I choke on a piece of popcorn*
Was gonna climb over some guy’s arm but then I noticed he had a barbed wire tattoo on it.
Me: WHY AREN’T YOU CLEANING YOUR ROOM LIKE I ASKED?
My 6year old: You only asked once
People that say “we’re not even white, we’re pink” obviously haven’t seen the parts of me that have never been in sunlight.
*in court for murder*
I’m appreciate your feedback on not killing people. I’m listening, learning and growing.
You can tell how single I am by the way my cat and dog wear their sombreros with quiet dignity and acceptance.
My favorite thing about Twitter is that you can broadcast your opinion about anything, defend your opinion in an argument, and always run the risk of the person arguing with you being the one who literally created the thing you’re arguing about.
bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs
I love sundress season, the way they occasionally and oh so tantalisingly waft up, revealing the treasures hidden beneath. But yes officer, I promise to wear underwear in future.
If I was a movie villain, I’d just make a bomb with all the wires of the same colour.
If I ever get burned at the stake, I’m filling my pockets with popcorn kernels to make a nice snack for the audience.
At my age getting lucky means having the house to myself
I read an article that began “During the pandemic, with the implementation of distance learning…” and was surprised it didn’t end “came an uptick in nervous breakdowns of parents everywhere.”
Sad that 25 years ago Homer Simpson seemed like a looser in American culture and now it’s like: “Whoa…that guy has a job AND owns a home?”
Marty: I know you want a sandwich Doc but this is crazy
Doc Brown: a loaf of bread only cost 18 cents in 1955 Marty, we have to go back
Marty: it’s just bread
Doc Brown: it’s only 18 cents, come ogle your mother
Marty: what?
Doc Brown: what, what?
Yet another thing they should’ve saw coming
Cats REALLY hate dryers.
However, Patches has Never looked this fluffy
My husband and I are co-counsel in trial today.
We already had an argument about who would drive to the courthouse.
This should be good.
nothing worse than an american ‘alcoholic’ who enters rehab because they drink in a month what a normal british person would on a two hour train journey.
Stooooppp!!! 😂😂
What if Waldo isn’t actually hiding, and he’s just photo bombing all of those pictures?
Breaking: New torture report reveals CIA use of Facebook Year In Review videos.
Them: How many calories do you eat each day?
Me: Usually 1500, sometimes 10,000.
A new reality show “So You Think You Don’t Suck at Singing” where contestants vie for priority access to their local karaoke circuit