Protip: If your spouse says “Thanks for the help” when you didn’t do anything don’t reply “You’re welcome”.
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I don’t think this app is working properly, I’m like barely getting any matches.
My favourite child is the one who just told me I’m so funny. Don’t know her name yet but she lives down the street.
[inventing jogging]
how can I suffer but with music
Protip: If you’re bad at geography and someone asks about an obscure country just say “isn’t that where the oiled up Olympics guy is from?”
Eventually we’ll all just have one app on our phones that electrocutes you when you stop looking at it.
Pro tip: Never explain to your wife that it’s the washer and dryer that actually does the laundry.
Seize the day. Attack the week. Murder the month. Approach your life in a generally violent way.
If my eyes dart left, it means I don’t understand you. If my eyes dart right, it means there’s a tray of those mini sandwiches I like.
[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo
Children will literally bust in the bathroom like a cop to ask a question and then complain about the smell
If you use karate instead of a knife your wife won’t ask you to cut the vegetables anymore
Monday morning looks like Jack Nicholson breaking through the door in The Shining.
I’ll stick with papa johns 🤣🤣🤣
I just want somebody to want me the way my dog wants a bite of my cheeseburger.
GUY WHO JUST INVENTED DOORS: Now it’s easy to get inside!
GUY WHO’S ABOUT TO INVENT LOCKS: But what if it’s *too* easy?
dog lover: [holding dog] this is my fur baby
me: [holding baby] this is my skin puppy
Trump says that Obama founded ISIS but in his defense Donald thinks that founded is a synonym for “located”
Both of my sons have somewhat classic, WASP-y first names, and the number of older people who have said to me, “oh how nice, he has a nOrMaL name, and you don’t have to wonder if he’s a boy or a girl” is rather rich coming from the generation of seven million people named Pat
My nutritionist told me wine doesn’t count as a fruit source so now I need to find a different nutritionist.
cat: i brought you this dead mouse
me: no thanks
cat: then please accept this barf
me: i will not
cat: am i displeasing you?
me: absolutely
cat: [eyes narrow] good
It took 14 years, but 14’s feet finally stopped growing and now I’m rolling in so much shoe money.
I asked a girl, “What is the maximum amount of money you would pay to have sex with me?” She said, “Zero dollars.”
And I said, “Deal.”
The Bachelor would be a much better show if there was one woman who was a secret saboteur actively trying to wreck The Bachelor’s life.
no babe, my vegan friends don’t want to meet you for the first time at a place called “the flaming pig”
The best backflip ever!💕🤗🤗
“Please, take me out to dinner!”
“I don’t date married women, sorry.”
“I’m your wife!”
“No exceptions!”
If children knew how much their parents were winging it, the whole system would topple.
why do dryers have a ‘less dry option?’ which one of you is ordering your socks medium rare
[trying to get a massage]
How much for a happy ending?
“Sir, this is a library!”
*whispers* sorry, how much for a happy ending?
You act like no one at work has ever asked you to apply ointment to a bunion before.