Protip: If your wife says don’t put your oversized grilling spatula and tongs in the dishwasher, just hand wash them, she means right then.
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Friend: What time is it?
Me: November.
If you’re charging me $15 for apple cider at a hayride it better contain enough booze to enable me to see a headless horseman.
Glue a BB into the cap that goes on the air nozzle on car tires. Slowly lets the air out of the tires. Person refills tires and always puts the cap back on. After the 3rd or 4th flat tire they end up buying a new tire. 😏 No one ever thinks to look inside the cap.
an owl mistook my man bun for a sleeping hamster again today
Vodka giveth and vodka taketh away…
It giveth me a hangover and taketh away my underpants.
Amen.
I play videogames for a few hours and World War 3 breaks out wtf
My kids say I need to stop trying to embarrass them but joke’s on them because I’m not even trying.
If diet and exercise are not working for you, try actually dieting and actually exercising.
My dog saw me naked this morning
now she’s sitting down at the end of the driveway waiting for her Uber to the shelter
Attention Prayer Warriors: My neighbor left town for a funeral today. Please pray for God to protect & guide me as I steal his barbecue pit.
fool me once shame on you. fool me twice shame on me. fool me a third time this is a pretty good scam can i get in on it
My toddler has lost the eyes from her Mr Potato head toy and I’m pretty sure it was on purpose so he can’t see how shit 2020 is
Ikea said if they catch me stealing any more kitchen utensils I’ll be banned for life. But I’m willing to take the whisk.
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you, it’s the way you have to make everything into a joke. I can’t do it any more, I’m just too tired
Me: *sadly* like a bicycle?
Ex Girlfriend:…
What if I color on you? What if I run a truck along your back? Steal your toy? Throw a ball? Spit food at you?
– My toddler, wooing the dog
BEARDED DRAGON: So, what do you think?
SMAUG: Get rid of it. You look ridiculous.
Christmas inflatables are like college kids, full of life at night and face down on the lawn in the morning.
I had my leg X-rayed today.
The doctor said: ‘Your patella measures 2.54cm’.
I said: ‘Inch-high knees?’
He said: ‘您的髌骨是2.54厘米高.’
If my TV’s so smart then why doesn’t it slap me when I turn on the news?
if the groundhog comes out without a mask its 6 more months of quarantine
My house is clean so please don’t eat or drink or come by or let my child come home.
My last name has 16 letters in it and I think this is why telemarketers give up trying to sell me that cruise to the Bahamas.
quarantine day 1: filet mignon with bordelaise sauce, charred asparagus and roasted garlic fingering potatoes
quarantine day 5: entire bag of stale marshmallows
quarantine day 7: tequila
Why do they call it a “shit-eating grin”? I don’t think I’d be smiling if I was eating shit.
Call me hun one more time and I stg I will invade a small European country.
Me: Ugh, I wish I still had a tablet. My phone screen is too small to read books on.
Also me: Guess I’ll read Twitter on my phone for six hours instead…
kinda rude that my bank told me how much money i spent on food this month. what if i didn’t want to know that
[God creating the stingray]
Ya know Peter, I was getting out of the shower this morning and thought “what if I made my bathmat a murderer?”
I hate when my kids ask me impossible questions like: What day is it?