Protip: If your wife says the cord on the vacuum cleaner is too short, it doesn’t mean she’s asking for an extension cord for her birthday.
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The first thing I’m going to do when I’m rich is buy an airline flight for everyone who works at the DMV and then delay the flight forever.
Asked my 10yo where she was going to hide her candy so her sister couldn’t find it, and she said “my mouth” and rolled her eyes because ask a stupid question.
Chaperoned my son’s field trip to the farm today. Didn’t lose any children! But this fluffy kid has been clucking the whole bus ride home…
I hate it when I’m eavesdropping and people aren’t talking loud enough.
Okay, good. We’ve made Oreos with more Stuff, but now we need to make each Oreo bigger. I want an Oreo that’s a two-hander
Me: I want a raise
Boss: ok and why do you think you deserve a raise?
Me: that’s not what I said
Steve : I’m going to call it the Steveharmonic orchestra.
*Phil creeps up from behind with baseball bat*
[texting]
So what’s your name?
“ily”
omg this is moving too fast.
ILY: (yelling) IT’S HAPPENING AGAIN MOM, WHY DID YOU NAME ME THAT?
Your eyes may say yes, but your eyebrows are screaming “I will boil your bunny the minute you ignore me!”
Pro tip: Wearing an 18th century corset really weeds out the quitters
Interviewer: how would you describe your conflict resolution style?
Me: *panicking* coniferous
Like most major sports injuries, almost all Rock, Paper, Scissors injuries occur because of insufficient stretching before the match.
Friend: Why isn’t your boyfriend here to help bury this heavy carpet?
Me: ….
<At Duel>
“Draw your weapon”
Me: *frantically trying to sketch a bear with gun legs & a shark head.
*smashes car through your living room*
Fancy meeting you here, have you been getting my text messages?
I’ve reached that age where I don’t have to drink to forget because it just happens naturally now.
I hate when I go to review a podcast and someone before me said “wow, this pod makes my daily 6 mile run fly by!” and I’m like cool it also makes eating this giant bag of cheese balls fly by.
Something ive learned about being on twitter for 10 years is when a non twitter person sends me content from someone i know and am mutuals with the nice/normal reply is to laugh. Do not say “i know them! They had a tough divorce!”
[to son before going in house] remember its opposite day
wife: how was go karting?
son: dad didnt take off his helmet and throw it at anyone
I follow girls that walk to their cars alone because there’s a lot of weirdos out there.
I think Jesus would have killed it at water skiing
*wears reindeer antlers*
*innocently smiles*
*bats eyelashes*
*steals your wallet*
I went upstairs to grab my charger I brushed my hair, picked up some dirty clothes, changed my sons diaper, put on deodorant, came back downstairs, vacuumed the entire first floor & picked up some toys. I just sat down to plug in my phone & realized I never grabbed the charger.
“Microdosing is for the weak” I whisper as I backflip onto a centaur and skip off over the rainbow
[panting, 5 minutes into sex] It’s okay, just go on without me
Ovulating in your forties is like a going out of business sale.
I’ll never get picked for jury duty because I’d be the one on trial…..
“It’s terminal-”
GOD! HOW LONG DO I HAVE?
“Departure time is in three hours.”
THREE? WHAT DO I DO?
“This is an airport.”
SO WHAT? I’M DYING!
[on Ferris wheel]
ME: This is going great.
MY DATE: This is so weird.
UBER DRIVER: Let’s get cotton candy next.