ProTip: Make sure heated seats are off before putting your purse on them…lipstick melts.
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The Constitution has barely been altered in 200 years, but my $300 textbook is worth $0.82 bc they came out with a new edition mid-semester.
shout out to fantasy authors who give all their characters weird names except for, like, two who just have normal-ass names
it owns extremely to see The Eternal Zablaxas and Hellcleaver the Wicked turn to the protagonist and say “what do YOU think we should do, Dave?”
May the fourth be with you and if you’re married, may the back and forth be with you
surgeon: are… are you still awake?
me: man i got a lot going on right now
There are two types of women: the ones who buy cute new clothes for a trip and the ones who pack old stretchy leggings and tops expecting full well to gain 5 lbs in 4 days, of which I am the latter
“Just be patient, Liam. The dude in the Tahoe is a heart attack waiting to happen.”
[yelling from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] anytime u want to talk about poor boundaries i’m ready
You meander, aberrate, divagate, circumlocute, ramble, drift, veer, swerve, wander, range, stray, rove, deviate, maunder, but I digress.
Her: What do you look for in a relationship?
Me: A way out.
Bet sidewalk and fireplace were named by the same person
[walking slowly down the basement staircase with a flashlight to investigate a scary noise] h-hello???
giant rat demon (suddenly appears with loose sweatpants on): dude you have to knock first
me: ah sorry martin
medium rat demon: come back to bed baby
People with house arrest ankle bracelets get so touchy when you compare them to a dog’s invisible fence.
House arrest? Some people are so freaking lucky!
Somehow this viral tweet from my old account is even more relevant now than when I posted it nearly 3 years ago
How do I get Instacart to stop assigning dudes under 30 to my orders? Chad just earnestly queried whether I’d like him to replace my out-of-stock tampons with adult diapers.
I have a black belt in leather
5-year-old at recess: “My throat feels like sticks are stuck in it.”
Me: “Do you think you’re getting sick?”
5-year-old: “Yes. Also, I just ate some mulch.”
If you steal piles of leaves from someone else’s yard it’s called grand theft autumn.
So you better just leaf it right there. 😎🍂
ME: No Officer, I swear I’m not high
CAT: For the last time, I’m not a cop, and cats can’t talk
ME: Whew! In that case I’m high af
CAT: Busted! *flashes badge* Undercover Cat Cop strikes again!
Walmart customers are classless.
You shouldn’t drink Cabernet from a Pringle’s can.
Those cans are meant strictly for Pinot Noir.
Pardon the mess, the dog startled me and I threw my shrimp scampi into the ceiling fan
“No. No, I’m sorry, but there must absolutely be a hole right here.”
My dog, after removing the top soil I put in a hole she hadn’t touched in well over a year.
AA Counselor: what’s step one?
AA Battery: admitting I’m powerless
‘gamer’ & ‘foodie’ are bullshit labels because they suggest you are something b/c you passively enjoy something everyone passively enjoys
Werewolves, vampires, and zombies are always so hungry-desperate to bite people and turn them into companions.
Shout-out to witches for being cool about that shit.
[On a Ferris wheel]
Him *kisses her* this is so perfect!
Her *kisses him back* and so romantic!
Me: It’s weird these things have 3 seats
Her: ‘Are you listening to a word I’m saying?!’
Me: ‘Sounds like a plan.’
airlines: “you can purchase a can of beer”
me: 😃
“it’s $9”
😩
“there’s a 50/50 chance we’ll forget to come back and charge you”
😃
Husband: “Let me use your phone a minute.”
Me: (Feeds phone to a pelican)
Comedian does amazing perfect crowd work