Protip: Never end a work email with “Let me know if you want to discuss” without immediately leaving the building.
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Me 5pm: Need to go easy on the booze tonight, have to function tomorrow.
Me 1am: *twerking in a Denny’s parking lot.
*at casino*
When he hands you $100 and asks you to go get chips, do not ask him Doritos or Lays. Get both.
It will leave him speechless.
I was almost malled to death by a bear. He had me waiting outside of Bath & Body Works for like an hour.
Welcome to parenting, your kids will never want to speak to you until you’re on the phone speaking to someone else.
[alien taking notes]
Humans: Reluctant to common sense gun control, yet somehow completely overreactive when approached by a bee.
My little dog: *knocks garbage can over in kitchen, walks by me with pizza crust hanging out of his mouth like a cigar*
Executioner: last meal?
Me: I want to eat the electric chair
Executioner [through walkie talkie]: can he do that
[meeting at amc network]
“Okay so how can we make everyone in Walking Dead look like they smell even worse this season?”
ME: I got you a therapy cat
WIFE: THAT’S A LION!
ME: I wouldn’t yell around Roarschach
[deserted Island]
other survivor: we should only use our water for emergencies
me: *waiting on my sponge dinosaurs to expand* obviously
Her: You look great without glasses
Me: I don’t wear glasses
Her: *putting them back on* I do
I’m trying to be more fit these days, so now I walk inside the store to buy my donuts instead of using the drive-thru.
[black jack]
DEALER: 14
ME: hit me
D: 16
M: hit me
D: 23
M: hit me
D:
M:
D:
M: make it look good so my wife believes I was mugged
soup is a safe food to eat in the shower it’s already wet so there’s basically no risk
“Oh, I like your coat!”
“What? This old rag? It cost 2p! I’ve had it for ten years. I found it in a bin. It’s seen better days. I hate it. Been meaning to get a new one. Thank you, though!”
Friend: Well, the more you know-
Me: The sadder you’ll feel
Friend:
Me: Is that not the phrase?
Friend: It’s annoying that you keep getting it wrong
Me: *crying* Well the more you know
One time in 1997 I forgot to close my air quotes so everything I’ve said since then has been sarcastic
Too embarrassed to buy “skinny jeans”?
Simply buy normal jeans and put on a shitload of weight.
Dog: I’m a man’s best friend, he even named one of his teeth after me.
Pussycat: Yeah, you’re not gonna win this one.
Just because I’m gay, doesn’t mean I don’t know how to please a woman.
You buy them a dress with pockets.
one thing that has not changed at all from childhood to adulthood is how worried you need to be when your mother is addressing you by your full name
*sees a spider*
I’m going to kill him
*turn around to get a shoe*
*turns back around and spider has 8 shoes*
Alright, let’s be cool here
Why did they call them army chefs and not the mealitary?
Friend: I’m about to appear in court.
Me: Best of luck! Kill it!!
Friend:…not exactly the best phrase to use in a medical negligence case.
“Alexa, lock the door”
– me to my friend alexa because computers locking doors is LITERALLY HOW TERMINATOR STARTED
HARRY POTTER: Alohamora
MORA: Aloha, Harry
infomercial: has this ever happened to yo-
me: no
infomercial: [people failing miserably at everyday tasks]
me: ok listen here
If ghosts are real, then why aren’t any of them pantsing people
I never answer my door because it’s always someone trying to get me to switch to Verizon or someone trying to get me to switch to God and I’m not interested in either of those services