Protip: Never take your wife with you to your annual checkup. She will tell the doctor way too much about you.
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The way I see it, marriage is just an evil ploy to turn “my fries” into “our fries.”
When your kid says “I told you I knew how to be good” and you start getting flashbacks of all the times when they didn’t know at all
Gary Numan is 13 days older than Gary Oldman. I don’t even know what to believe any more
man: you’re beautiful
me: gross
man: humanity is a black hole of stupid and i’m dying inside
me: [heart beats fast] oh my god are you single
While everyone is out watching the eclipse, I’m going to launch my career as a burglar.
Bad: I saw my girlfriend’s name and number on a couple of men’s bathroom walls..
Worse: It was in her handwriting…
all pants are breakaway pants if you’re angry enough
“I have no porpoise!” -existential marine biologist.
Does the S in iPhone 5S stand for “superficial”? “Shallow”? “Slave”? Or “soon to be obsolete”?
Become a parent to discover how angrily you can serve someone crackers.
These kids act like they’ve never gotten a half-pealed hard boiled egg for Halloween before.
Not sure who’s a bigger idiot at this jury duty.
The guy who committed [redacted] or the moron next to me who put a 6 2x in a row of sudoku.
[at Red Lobster]
WAITRESSES: *run toward me*
ME: Red Lobster!
WAITRESSES: *stop*
ME: Green Lobster!
WAITRESSES: *run*
MANAGER: Okay, SIR…
New video game idea: Toddler simulator. Like the sims but toddlers only. Your job is to annoy the hell out of your parents. Touching stuff your not supposed to. Climbing on furniture. Throwing tantrums at random times.
(Teaching my kid about screwdrivers)
Remember: righty tighty, lefty loosey.
That’s it now the vodka’s open get the orange juice.
A haunted house would be pretty scary if it was filled with light switches that accidentally turned on the garbage disposal.
[concert]
SINGER: How’s everyone feeling tonight???
ME: Whooo, kind of stressed, I’m in standoff with my HOA regarding lawn ornamentation!!!
Imagine if America cut open the Statue of Liberty and found skeletons inside and it turned out the French had just failed a trojan mission.
You can buy a 48-pack of referee whistles on Amazon for $8. Give them to the kids of people you hate.
If my body was covered entirely in eyeballs, I still couldn’t look at you enough.
*me being romantic*
Well, she was raised to refer to dinner as ‘supper’ so obviously it wasn’t going to work out in the end.
My wife is furious that I phoned the police about some kids selling homemade lemonade in the street. Specifically “they’re not hurting anyone”, “it’s not illegal” and “they’re our kids”
The cat knocked over my coffee in the home office this morning and I’ve reported her to HR. In other news, HR has hired my cat.
Given the amount of clowns around here you’d think it would be more entertaining
Not saying I’m lazy, but if we had a motion detector alarm in our house it wouldn’t have gone off all day yesterday, even though I was home.
I want to marry a man who is never on time so I can refer to him as my late husband
Kept nodding off at an estate auction and bought a garden gnome for 3 million dollars.
Sure the pilot says “feel free to move about the cabin,” he doesn’t mean it.
I started to clean house this evening, but my cat talked me into taking a nap.
Just realized my undies are on inside out .. Was gonna change them around . but I figured let the other side get sum action for a change .