Protip: Never take your wife with you to your annual checkup. She will tell the doctor way too much about you.

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I’m starting a Kickstarter to bring a lion from Africa and let it loose in a dentist’s office.


I bought a treadmill because I ran out of closet space for my clothes.


Neighbor: I need to run to the store. Can you watch the baby?
Me (thinks of Daredevil cued up on Netflix): I am a registered sex offender


*poetry 101 first day*
prof: okay so today just pick a subj-
me: (incredibly loud) i call oranges


Me: Push!

Grandkids: But, you’re heavy.

Me: What did the sign say?

Grandkids: No children in shopping cart :((

Me: Rules are rules.


Toy Story (1995): A young boy’s toy chest becomes possessed by haunted dolls, forcing the family to move away. But the dolls find him.


*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*


HER: because you’re so juvenile this relationship is over

ME: [through walkie talkie] this relationship is what, over


#WarAgainstPorn because they’re having sex and we’re not. No porn for anyone until everyone’s having sex, ok?


You think you’re hardcore? Watch THIS!

*Drinks vodka straight from the potato*