Protip: Never underestimate the number of sticky notes on your desk when trying to appear busy at work.
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First date idea: Find out how they sneeze.
I’m going to try and be less of a people pleaser, is everyone ok with that?
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
Birds shit on us because we tweet better.
I’m so disappointed when I help my kid with her homework and she brings it home marked incorrect.
I just wanna be alone but I have all this internet access.
One of these days I will remember I’m wearing a mask before trying to shove a straw in my mouth to drink something but today is not that day. Tomorrow is not looking good either.
[second date]
“April Fools”
*gets up and leaves
waiter: any questions?
me: did courtney kill kurt??
him: uh, about the menu?
me: LOL i seriously doubt she killed him about the menu
[meets a cute girl from Scotland]
“Ummm hi your people make fantastic tape”
Ok so for next Halloween ill be mozart.
“I’ll be beethoven!”
Yeah okay, calm down sally. So Mr. Terminator who will you be?“I’LL BE BACH.”
[God making African animals]
Screw it. Just put stripes on a horse, make that water lizard really big, and put spots on a really tall deer.
[typing in parental control pin]
5: why do you go so fast? I’m trying to see it. I know it ends with 3, 4 but nothing I’ve tried works
She loves me
[forgets to run the dishwasher]
She loves me not
They say New Zealand has a sheep population of over 60 million
How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?
I think I’ll take the swab. Thanks though.
[8 AM]
Me: Time to wake up.
[13 HOURS LATER]
Me: Time to go to bed.
Kid: But, Mom, it’s 9 AM.
TWEET CALL
Thank you to 15k of you who followed me for one reason or another! Please share one tweet from you or a friend and please consider donating to this friend of mine. She is in a bad place and trying to get out, please share if you can ❤️
Alien: This is candy corn?
Me: Yeah
A: But it doesn’t look like-
Me: I know
A: And it tastes like-
Me: I know
A: So this is kinda like grape soda
Me: There ya go
PATIENT: I’ve been so stressed out lately. What can I do?
DR DOG (tail wagging like crazy): Studies show that petting dogs relieve stress
Cardio Made Easy
Me: Tonight we dine like kings!
*checks wallet*
Me: Like burger kings!
I wonder where the inventor of the drawing board took their failed ideas back to.
I came home & my dog peed a little bc he was happy to see me. None of my friends pee when they see me. I’m surrounded by fakes
One of my foster dogs chewed up my credit card and now my husband wants to keep him
You can’t rush stupid.
TEACHER: That’s the third time this week – please explain your tardiness
ME: Well, it basically means that I’ve been late
[airport]
For $800 more you can upgrade to Arctic Class
What’s that?
Same as coach but the flight staff is penguins
[slaps table] SOLD
Don’t call me honey or baby if I don’t know you.
I’ll marry you and move my mother in with us and then you’ll be sorry.
cabbage patches are bullshit
i gave up cabbage easily without them