Protip: Women do not consider puffer fish to be a cute pet name or compliment.
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If you’re not part of the solution, I might need to add more solvent.
Let me tell you something about how smart kids are these days. Child took my phone and aimed it at my face real quick so it unlocked then jumped on my SpongeBob game before I realized what was going on. That’s sleuth shit.
I don’t have a date for Valentine’s Day so I’ll probably end up going out with the wife
Science has proven birds are a branch of dinosaurs. Now every time I eat chicken, I think, “I bet this tastes just like a stegosaurus.”
Just warning the studios that if we don’t start making shows, they’re not gonna have anything to reboot in 8-12 years.
Kids only want one thing and it’s to play with whatever their sibling is playing with
Eddie’s only other nemesis is our standard poodle, Charlie. Eddie has hated Charlie since he was a pup who mocked Eddie by being faster than him (see video from 7 yrs ago). Since then, Eddie has chased Charlie relentlessly, although Charlie has no idea he’s being chased.
Gary was no plumber but applying the knowledge acquired from previous experience he quickly fixes the leak by just leaving a bowl under it.
Cashier: do you need bags?
Me: do any of us NEED anything?
Cashier: sir, I have a liberal arts degree too
Me: plastic please
[Nightcap]
Me: *giving tour* and this is my room.
Her: It’s….a….nice.
Me: Let me stop you there. The He-man sheets are purely decorative and in no way a reflection of my prowess in bed.
Mean Girls 2020: “Gross, isn’t that the mask you wore yesterday?”
My wife is mad at me because most of the keys on my key ring don’t open anything. Uh yeah its almost like those keys are just for jingling? But go off
Life is what happens to you when your wifi stops.
I always carry a knife with me in case my mugger is made of cake.
$4.99 for a box of saltines? My neighborhood grocery store thinks it’s a Whole Foods now.
ME: So how fast are you at making suits?
TAYLOR SWIFT: …
Who called them potatoes & not the motherchip.
Why is it the the people who drink the most Red Bull are the people who seem to have the least going on?
How to find Kentucky on a map
Our dishwasher works exceedingly well, as long as you only put clean dishes in it.
I’ve been yelling for years.
Now I’m convinced.
I’m definitely the only one here playing Marco Polo.
If I’m found dead in the bathtub clutching a toaster, check for Pop-Tarts before jumping to conclusions.
Me: How was school?
6-year-old: Why do you always ask that?
Me: …because I want to know.
6: That’s not a very good reason.
Isn’t is weird how we have one million dog breeds and everyone is like “goldendoodle” this or “chihuahua mix” that and if you ask someone what type of cat they have it’s just like “an orange one”
[watching The Notebook]
Her: Noah wrote Allie a letter every day for a year
Me: I bet each one just said, Hey
Tequila bottles should come with a warning label saying “ may cause unexpected child support payments”
When people tell me they trust a product because ‘It’s natural.’, I like to remind them that arsenic is also natural.
That song stuck in my head is “Don’t Speak,” I’ve no doubt in my mind.
A friend wants us to do something tonight and I asked her to name 5 things so I could say no to 4 of them.
People will stop talking to you if you challenge them to a rap duel.