#ProTip
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If at first you don’t succeed then try, try again.
Unless you’re skydiving then good luck with that.
Elton John: Mars ain’t the kind of place to raise your kids
Elon Musk: *narrows eyes*
coward
Me: When I am elected President, I am going to gaslight everybody
(gets elected)
Me: I never said that.
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth…
Then it’s a soap opera!
I “accidentally” made a double batch of cookie dough and then somehow ran out of room in the freezer so I was forced to bake it all at which point I discovered that I have no available Tupperware so I had to eat 50 cookies.
I’d like to thank my exs for encouraging me to learn about cars.
Like how to cut the break lines, hoses, or discreetly slash a tire.
me after being off twitter for two days: “haha wow I don’t know what anyone is talking about”
some meme: “don’t you want to?”
[learning to drive stick]
Dad: hands at 10 and 2
Me: ok
Dad: now go ahead and shift
Me: *sweating*
Dad: shift
Me: *slowly moves hand*
Dad: 10 AND 2 ARE YOU TRYING TO KILL US
If only vehicles could be equipped with little blinky lights on the corners to alert other drivers the direction they wished to turn…
The good news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.
The bad news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.
Enrique Iglesias wants to
1. Be your hero
2. Kiss away your pain
3. Stand by you forever
Enrique Iglesias is your mother
I come from a time when my belly was flat and my TV was fat
Now my TV is flat and my belly is…OOOOO LOOK OREO’s
I think Twitter is baiting me with flattery when it says, “We’ve selected a small group for feedback.”
Day 14: I notice a seam in the wall. It’s a removable panel. I crawl through a tunnel, down, down. I emerge into a space like a hangar. There is a 1/6 scale exact replica of my home, my car, my office…all the places I most often frequent. “This is not for you,” says my cat.
haven’t gone back to the gym since i kept using my phone and someone asked me if it’s fingers day
Adonis folding laundry is still Adonis…but hotter because he’s folding laundry
my favourite word in the dictionary is ratio because it’s under rated
No Karen; a stable relationship is not
when you move in with the horses.
the most audacious part of the trojan horse plan must’ve been trying to keep all the soldiers inside from giggling so much
RPGs are all “you don’t meet the level requirement to equip this” When in real life the only thing stopping me from wielding this halberd is an extremely agitated museum guide, and I’m pretty sure I can take him
*strips off clothes, stands on desolate highway holding sign saying “Last Naked Guy For 75 Miles”
Hide-and-seek is just as much fun for adults, although it usually ends with someone getting hit with a restraining order.
A pasta maker is just a Play-doh toy for adults.
My girlfriend does not want to split the gallon of milk I smuggled into the movie theater for us 😔
Always a metermaid never a meter
[wife drops me at the airport]
Wife: have a safe flight
Me: I have no say in the matter
Wife [already driving off]: die then
Quick question, how long do you have to drive around with a cracked windshield before it magically fixes itself? It’s been two weeks and I think I’m doing something wrong.
Don’t buy drinks from children on the side of the road. The money never really goes to aid for lemons.
*person walks past me minding his business and not bothering me in any way*
“What’s this idiot doing?”