Proud to announce I’ve made Forbes’ “7 Billion under 7 Billion” this year
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Sorry I made promises on Friday
Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.
Growing up I really thought piranhas would have been a bigger problem in my life.
If I had known the kind of people my classmates would grow up to be.
I would have beaten a lot more of them up.
ENEMY: can you smell that? That’s fear.
ME: the baked goods?
ENEMY: no. focus on your fear.
ME: we must be knife fighting behind a bakery
Day 65: My dog still insists on acting happy to see people despite my example and training
2003: Fear that ppl from the internet will find me in real life.
2013: Fear that ppl from real life will find me on the internet.
One million people have DM’d me asking me to stop lying about the number of people who DM me.
why dont they ever have plagues of endangered animals, like a plague of panda bears. oh no our entire bamboo crop is gone haha
*stops drinking liquids at 5pm*
BLADDER AT 3AM: still not good enough
I mean…but I did
Read the tweet above this one and then the tweet below it. People paid FORTY-FIVE DOLLARS PER SHARE FOR THIS.
8yo: Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Me: Yes.
8yo: Where?
Me:…
8yo: WHERE!
6yo: (from outside) It’s spreading.
Me: I’m up.
I get really freakin pissed off when complete strangers ask me a lot of questions. So no… the job interview didn’t go very well.
My wife complains that she has a big ass, I just wish she would stop pointing at me when she says it.
My toddler is crying because she wanted 2 strawberries but I only gave her 2
Nothing puts me in touch with my mortality like stepping onto a downward escalator.
In an alternate universe, an alligator is wearing a shirt with a tiny picture of me sewn on it.
Every so often I’ll tell my son the car is making strange noises and that I need to listen just to get a break from hearing him talk.
“Are… are you sure you know what an elephant looks like?“
“Of course, why do you ask?“
“My advice? Don’t have children. They’re horrible soul-sucking fun-killing disappointing money pits with ZERO upside. Got it?”
“OK, Daddy.”
Give a man a fish and he’ll be like,
“Dude I’m allergic to fish.”
TEACH a man to fish and he’ll be like,
“THTOP I THAID IM ALLERGIC TO FITH”
My whole life is like that 2 seconds before you sneeze
Great shoulder tattoo. I bet butterflies are really significant to you and have shaped you into the person you are today, right?
“Taking a perfect selfie is just a matter of perfect lighting and applying the right filter”
*puts sheet over head*
*turns off light*
My daughter found and ate my hidden chocolate and her reason was she thought they were for everyone.
That
Me: Make sure you close the bag.
My kids:
You think you’ve got problems? This is what I’m having for dinner
Only I can prevent forest fires? Why are you leaving me in charge of forest fires? I can’t even prevent chafing.
When my 5yo brought home a library book called “People Don’t Bite People” I was really hoping this wasn’t a story his teacher recommended for him