Proud to announce I’ve made Forbes’ “7 Billion under 7 Billion” this year
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why is it always “you’re hot” and not “i could cook an egg on you”?
I took my kids’ screens away so we could spend some quality time together and it turns out they are really terrible to be around
I’m tired of pretending that people know what a first cousin once removed is.
“Say no to Lindsay Lohan.” – drugs.
If the person driving right in front of me comes to a complete stop at a stop sign, I’m like “that was enough for the both of us.”
My landlord is pissed off at me for being naked in the front yard…and now he just asked me to leave his cookout.
DOCTOR: The tests have come back, and it’s bad news.
ME: What is it, doc?
DOCTOR: I’m afraid you have loopus.
ME: Oh no! Is there a treatment?
DOCTOR: The tests have come back, and it’s bad news.
ME: What is it, doc?
*lights a joint*
Woah, fire! Ow! My elbow!
Packing my daughter’s prom kit…lip gloss, stun gun, pepper spray, switchblade, and I’ve uploaded all 5 seasons of Teen Mom to her iPhone.
4: *hands me a broken toy*
Me: oh no, I’ll see if I can fix it
4: ok but be careful next time
Me: