Prove you’re not a robot by typing two words that sounds like they were doodled on a toilet cubicle by a schizophrenic
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My IUD provides me with 99% birth control effectiveness, but my husband’s dirty socks on the floor comes in at an impressive 100%.
Me: I’m not watching that movie. It got 3 stars.
Also me: *watches the roomba chase down a dorito for 45 minutes*
I’m so awkward I visited a new doctor today and when they came in I literally said “Those are some nice shoes”. I have to find another doctor already.
Saw a billboard that said “anxiety? Paranoia? It could be meth.” And it’s like oh my God I’ve been on meth this whole time.
[me giving a TED Talk]
*repeatedly pronounces a hard first ‘c’ in ‘science’*
Top Five Accountant Taboos:
5. Unreconciled difference
4. Doesn’t foot & crossfoot
3. No journal entry support
2. Cooking the books
1. Sex
I’ve written a musical called Fish. It’s very similar to Cats, although Memory’s a lot shorter.
If you’re responsible for the fruit tray, then your family has zero faith in your culinary skills
“I am the way and the truth and the life and the muthafuckin’ shizznit.” (Snoop 4:20).
Eclipse is too dangerous for my eyes. I’m going to stare at 11-point font google docs on my smartphone all day instead.
I have a coworker with the same first name as me, and my boss is always talking about sending him on trips or assigning him projects, and it makes me anxious even though I know he’s not talking about me.
I bet Beyoncé doesn’t have this problem.
thug: do you have a gram
drug dealer: yeah
grandma: [ripping off thug mask] then why don’t you ever visit
CO-WORKER: Hey, I overheard you talking about followers or something. You on Twitter?
ME *sweating*: Uh, I’m in a cult
My lawn care company sent me an email saying, “We like to feed it before we seed it,” and I was like damn, they stole my game.
Gizmodo Article: A Caterpillar With Vomit-Inducing Poison Fur Is Taking Over Virginia.
2020: All right, all right. Forgive me for trying to be creative.
Him: What’s in your secret sauce?
Me: My feelings for you.
*wink wink*Him: I knew it tasted weird.
My hobby is removing unnecessary apostrophes from business signs in the dead of night
[Man chasing me through the woods wearing a hockey mask]
GIVE ME BACK MY PUCK
To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
Pro Tip: don’t buy cheap duct tape. Your basement guests can chew right through that.
Anything is free if you can outrun security.
The more you know.
Today in my local Canadian newspaper there was a strongly worded editorial about littering.
[before tattoos were invented]
ME: I can’t believe I have to draw a skull on my arm every day
I cough whenever I answer the phone so people know not to invite me to anything.
Fall is here! I can finally start burning my pumpkin cinnamon cupcake cranberry apple pie walk in the snow vanilla snickerdoodle flannel scented candle without feeling like a psychopath
RIGHT?
Dental hygienist: Whew! You’re all done with your cleaning. That took a bit longer than I expected.
Me: *maintains eye contact while biting into Oreo* Thanks.
Props to the guy who numbered combo meals. Ordering a number four combo meal sounds a lot better than ordering a double quarter pounder meal
My 4yo picked up a toy and put it away without being asked, and I just stared at her like she was a woodland animal I didn’t want to scare.
Art teacher: you were supposed to paint a tree
Rorschach: I did
Dog Park
Kid: What’s his name?
Me: Dorito. He’s a therapy taco. Don’t pet him.
Kid:*Throws Ball*
Taco:*Chases it. Lettuce flies everywhere*