“PS, I love you” — Me to my PlayStation.
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Just once I’d like to meet a person whose job is to make captchas so I can slap him in the face for making my life difficult.
Dance like you know what you’re supposed to do with your arms while dancing
Twitter is the social media version of Grease. Ya know, 40 year old people acting like they’re still in high school.
After watching “101 Dalmations” I hoped my dog’s barking was to help others, but I think she is just spreading gossip.
My boomer father in law couldn’t get his TV to work, the tv was plugged into a surge protector…that was plugged into itself.
6am: makes coffee
6:20am: grabs cup
6:21am: plugs in coffee maker
[car wreck]
[hand reaches out]“Take my hand. I’m Chad Kroeger from the popular band Nickelback.”
[I let the flames slowly bake me alive]
Today is the day I write something beautifully profound
No. That was it. I’m going back to bed
Better than the last 5 star wars movies. 😂😂
“I promise to defend you from a zombie apocalypse or alien invasion, but if it’s a werewolf attack, it’s every man for himself.”
“The bride has also written her own vows.”
Birds & Planes.
If you put Mattel dolls in a line they become a Barbie queue.
They should change the name from all you can eat pancake breakfast to 4 or 5 pancakes at most
craving $300 all of a sudden
Posted a photo of my clean house on Facebook and it was flagged as fake news.
it’ll be another 20 years before vampires can go to the bank again
No, I always make this wincing face when I talk to people saying awful shit. It’s not just you.
Doggies just call it style.
Lint Bizkit #LaundrySongsAndBands
I need a personal trainer to be in charge of how I exercise because I’m in charge of how I eat and look how that turned out.
Your honor let the records indicate my client was upsexy
Judge: what’s upsexy?
[lawyer whispers to defendant] quick, this is your chance
You’re right, teenagers: We don’t know what you’re going through. The rest of us skipped straight from 12 to 20. Best decision we ever made.
I make sure my cat knows who is boss by grumbling loudly while cleaning out its kitty litter.
[Camping]
Her: You didn’t bring food?
Him: No
Her: Or toilet paper?
Him: Why would we need toilet paper if we don’t have food?
I’m a GROWN MAN. I’m on my GROWN MAN SHIT. I am COLD and DISORIENTED cause I got out of the shower but I can’t dry off cause all my towels are in the WASHER.
My kid woke me up a 5:30 am because he was too hot. Never thought of myself as an extraordinary problem solver, but I told him to take his blanket off.
*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*
I finally bought a set of dumbells.
How long are you supposed to rest in between sets?
Please say 6 weeks.
Therapist: Alright, let’s start at the beginning
Me: *Sighs* I guess it all really started when I wasn’t born a centaur