ps5 is how I abbreviate pspspspsps
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Jesus: This is my body
Peter: That’s bread
Jesus: It’s a metaphor dude
Peter: Oh so you’ve been talking in metaphor
Jesus: Sometimes I am Sometimes I’m being literal
Peter: How will we know the difference?
Jesus: It’s easy. If you get something wrong you just go to hell
Just saw the first robin of the year so you know what that means. Batman can’t be far behind.
Me: just running to the store, who cares what I’m wearing
Also me: runs into everybody I know
Whatisthelongbuttonatthebottomofthekeyboardfor?
Other kids growing up wanted to be a cowboy or a spaceman. Me, I wanted to be a hippopotamus.
And I’ve still got time.
*walks into gym, tags my location on Facebook, leaves*
[An old thermometer breaks scattering mercury beads all over the floor]
“Get out of here, NOW!”
“Why?”
“HAVEN’T U SEEN TERMINATOR 2?”
Marrying a person isn’t the only way to get someone to take your name, there’s also identity theft #MondayMotivation
It’s cute how airlines think I know my flight number
[firing squad]
Captain: Any last words?
Prisoner: Why, yes. I’d like to speak with you for a moment about gun control.
Date: I like old fashioned guys
Me: I have polio
Am I joking? Yes. Absolutely.
Do I also mean it? Yes. Absolutely.
I pry open the crab shell but instead of sweet crabmeat I find a tiny, bustling city filled with people who have my face. It tastes terrible
I could survive 3 months in the wilderness with the contents of a woman’s purse and a pocket knife.
My favorite oxymorons:
1. Jumbo shrimp.
2. Act natural.
3. Boneless ribs.
4. Civil war.
5. Freezer burn.
6. Adult male.
7. Happy marriage.
ARTHUR: Knights, I have a dangerous mission for you.
SIR LANCELOT: I shall go.
SIR GALAHAD: We all shall go.
SIR VEY: Okay, actually, just—quick poll—who else does NOT want to go?
The English language lacks a word to mean “To make a spouse feel uncomfortable by aggressively cleaning the house around them”.
A haunted house but it’s just rooms full of empty candy wrappers because I forgot to hide the candy.
It turned out to be a huge mistake filling that pinata with healthy snacks around kids with weapons to beat you with.
Trust us: the feminine form of ‘ghostbuster’ is ‘ghostbuster’.
For security reasons, I highly recommend that you leave one of your children home during the holidays to set elaborate booby traps in case of intruders.
[Sea fishing]
Me: This is fun.
[Deep sea fishing]
Me: Many men go fishing all their lives without knowing that it’s not fish they’re after.
Nature Fact: baby bears are born with fur because a mother bear can’t bear to bear a bare bear
In what is potentially a gross misunderstanding of Christmas in general, my 2.5yo has hidden her wallet ahead of Santa’s arrival.
Just got kicked out of Walmart for having a concealed belly button.
held the door for 4 dudes in a row today. not one thank you, not even a hop-skip to get to the door faster. y’all are turning my into a batman-style supervillain so freaking fast
He always wanted a surprise gift wrapped up in a big red bow.
*carefully arranges shiny red ribbon around a wriggling porcupine*
I met a young fashion designer earlier, and it wasn’t long before I was in the bedroom ripping her clothes off.
I love counterfeiting stuff
interviewer: one last question, name the coldest place on earth?
me: my ex’s heart
interviewer:
me:
interviewer: [holding back tears] you’re hired !!!
family fistfights brought to you by Monopoly