PSA: Calories don’t count today because February 29 doesn’t really exist.
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I thought it would be so cool to have twins before I actually had kids
Wanna feel old? This is Calvin and Hobbes now
How it started: How it’s going:
What’s the sleaziest way of fitting four multiple choice options into one?
A) Be Seedy
I’m lost at Costco but everyone here looks like my dad. Just gonna pick the one with the best groceries and start a new life I guess.
If a 4-year-old says, “I’m scared there’s a monster living under my bed” Don’t reply, “Oh, that’s where he’s been hiding.”
I know that now.
Think you know guilt?
*takes long drag on cigarette*
I’m the wildebeest who killed Mufasa.
*exhales*
I hear Simba’s screams every night.
I will punch you in the face.
OK not really – but I will roll my eyes at you, hard.
uber drivers love asking where you’re from even though they just picked you up from there
FRIEND: I hate when people refer to their pets as children.
ME: You do that all the time with your dog.
FRIEND: I don’t have a dog.
ME: …
FRIEND: Are you referring to my toddler?
ME: …Probably.
guys named stephen “can’t ephen.”
Any dog can be a guide dog if you don’t care where you’re going
If someone tried to make me dig my own grave I would say no. They’re going to kill me anyway and I’d love to die the way I lived: avoiding manual labor.
On your first day in prison, make sure you go up to the warden and compliment the décor.
*throws a dead pigeon at jerk who cut me off in traffic*
Wife: Hun, I don’t think “flipping the bird” means what you think it means.
*first date*
Him: You’re very interesting.
Me: Thank you.
Him: And fun to be around.
Me: That’s nice, thanks.
Him: You need to stop all of that if this is going to work.
Me:
Him: I’m just trying to help you. Change is good.
Me: Check please!
Remember: no matter what anyone else thinks of you, it’s how you delude yourself that matters.
I can’t wait til there’s a chalk outline filter
Girls hate it when you give them Christmas presents with an implied expectation, like an iron, a food processor, or knee pads.
every morning i swallow a piece of paper that says “keep up the good work fellas!!” just in case i die and doctors gotta do an autopsy on me
If you don’t have a dog whistle, you can use two teenage girls who have not seen each other in forever.
Husband: Let’s talk about it when we’re not tired and cranky.
Me: So, in like 18 years?
(Disney Dating Tips)
1.Kidnap Dad
2.Coerce Daughter
3.Awkward music-filled dates
4.Angry mob danger
5.Stockholm Syndrome
-Beauty & the Beast
Are “authorities” ever not ” baffled?”
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
Drummer’s pissed because the guys in the band say drums aren’t a real instrument. He says, “I’ll show them–give me the red cornet and the accordion.”
Instrument store guy says, “Well you can have the fire extinguisher, but the radiator has to stay.”
TEACHER: do you know what estimate means
STUDENT: not exactly
TEACHER: yes you are right
STUDENT: about what
TEACHER: also correct
STUDENT: …i guess
TEACHER: wow you really know your stuff
hate playing make believe with little kids. u shoot them with a laser and theyre like “actually i went back in time so it doesnt count”. tf are u talking about. u just casually rip open a hole in the space-time continuum? thats irresponsible as shit pal
termite twitter scares me
Annoyance rankings:
1. bothersome
2. pet peeve
3. me watching people carrying obviously empty coffee cups on TV