psa: clockwise doesn’t change just because you’re left-handed
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6yo’s can’t go to jail so I have no idea why this one’s refusing to drive me home from the pub.
adobe: i see you wish to draw a circle. let’s use 87% of your available memory for that
microsoft: i see you are using 87% of your available memory. let’s download a massive mystery update
me: I was mugged by a snake
cop: was he armed?
me: *long pause* no
I get mortgage-related spam multiple times a day. It reaches me by text, phone, email, postage, and even social media. I’m absolutely sick of them not giving homing pigeons a chance.
Beyonce made a song called “Single Ladies” then went home to her husband and left you lonely hoes dancing in a circle pretending to be happy
british people be having sex like:
mmmm yes splendid ah indeed scrumptious carry on good heavens i’m arriving
my neighbor is outside hosing off her lampshades and I’m both terrified and intrigued
*quits cold turkey*
*looks for ’emotionally available’ turkey*
A new study shows that drinking two to three coffees a day can lower the risk of heart problems. Because who has time for heart problems when they have constant daytime stress diarrhea?
Celine DiOn
*claps twice*
Celine DiOff
I want to know where my horoscope got the outlandish confidence to say “Don’t worry about any dreams you have today, dreams don’t mean anything”
“This soup was so good I wish I could just…NOMCRNCHNCH”
*chewing glass*
“There must be a better way!”-Inventing the bread bowl
EXPLORER: so we found all this new land
KING: Sweet What did you name it?
E: Newfoundland
K[rubbing bridge of nose]: Guards, execute him
I eat my Chinese food just like any other American, with chopsticks, one grain of rice at a time.
friend: this has been the worst day of my life
me, an aspiring motivational life coach: worst day of your life SO FAR
So when she enters, just start playing & then she’ll NEVER accuse me of being boring in the bedroom again, got it?
Naked Mariachi Band: SÍ
I haven’t been to France, but I saw Ratatouille, so I get it
My parents: we have something to tell you
Me: ok
Parents: remember when wesaid your dog went to live on a farm
Me: Ya, muffin
Parents: well that didn’t actually happen
Me: oh no
Parents: he was actually arrested for smuggling fentanyl into the country in shipping containers
I don’t usually cry from onions, but this one’s story is so inspirational.
I just shaved my armpits after such an extended hiatus that my razor acted as little more than a comb. Should have scythed first.
and now a text from my mom:
are you okay??? you didn’t like my fb post about making jam, so I got worried
GIRL: wow that shirt really brings out your eyes!
ME: *eyes protruding completely out of my head* yeah the collar is too tight or something
“I’ve made my point.” -good worker at a pencil factory
4: How do you spell no?
Me: Sound it out. What makes the na na na na na na na na na sound?
4: Batman?
(Spelling is hard)
*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing. If Santa knows when kids are naughty or nice then he knew Rudolph was being bullied
KFC suspends iconic ‘finger lickin’ good’ slogan amid coronavirus fears
So when a cat pounces on a stranger’s lap and demands tickles it’s “cute” but when I do it I’m “causing trouble in Starbucks” again. Jeez!
People overlook Dracula’s positive attributes. In his bat form, he eats mosquitoes and other unwanted backyard insects.
Me: *pssst* tell the girl wearing the white dress I think she’s hot
Priest: absolutely not
A double negative is a big no-no.