PSA: Flip flops are the safest shoes to wear.
They tell potential predators that you have nothing to lose.
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Remember those kids that used no tear shampoo? Well, they never learned to cry and now they’re all sociopaths. Nice going L’Oréal
my neighbor just told me about an alien sighting he had that was just a regular southwest boeing 737 in the sky but he said he could see into the cockpit with binoculars and there was an alien flying it
Welcome to parenthood: where the laundry basket is always full and the threats are always empty.
Alexa; make it look like an accident
As Oscar Wilde once said, there’s only one thing worse than being talked about, and that’s being roped in to help a friend move house.
I thought I typed “twitter” in my URL, but I got Hot Russian Ladies somehow instead. So, I guess I have a wife in the mail….
Hubby’s head seems like it’s almost twice the size of mine.
We are never having children.
I don’t wanna party like it’s 1999, I want to pay my bills like it’s 1999
I wanted my girlfriend to give me some time alone so we got married.
Him: What dat mouth do?
Me: Cookie Monsters a case of Girl Scout Cookies.
Stickiest things in the world:
3) Lollipops
2) Glue
1) Children’s library books
I moved to this city ten years ago with just the clothes on my back. I soon learned that I’d also need some clothes for my front. City people aren’t as open minded as you’d think.
When I was younger, I’d sit in class and think “Ugh, when am I ever going to need to know this stuff in the REAL world??” But then I grew up and discovered that I actually do have to play hot cross buns on the recorder like almost every day.
Coworker: Stop
Me: collaborate and listen
Coworker: Don’t
Me: you forget about me
Coworker: Hey!
Me: teacher, leave them kids alone
[Talking to a giant banana] “Is that a human being in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?”
The overwhelming majority of haunted stuff happens in hallways and stairways, which is why a studio apartment is the best choice ghost-wise.
I am scared of asking people how old I look cause the idiots might guess correctly.
Today while I was giving my dog a bath a spider fell out of her fur and ran across the sink. If you need me, I’ll be in therapy for the next 48 years.
“No, no. No! NO!” – guy who invented black ski masks after people started using them for robbing
[jungle book]
bagheera: “you can’t fight him like a wolf, you’re NOT a wolf, fight him like a man”
mowgli: [writes a strongly worded e-mail]
*see Shawshank on TV guide*
Wife: Don’t do it
*picks up remote*
W: I said don’t do it
*turns TV to Shawshank*
W: YOUVE SEEN IT 90 TIMES
To make a long story short, just walk away once you’re bored.
[me complaining about how many apps on my phone are purple] like I really gotta look before I press it ya know
[guy 911 told me to keep talking to till the paramedics arrive] definitely annoying
Someday, I wish Twitter will come up with a new & useful feature for once, like a sarcasm indicator for the ones who never get it.
If you want to receive a text message every 3 minutes for an hour, send your husband to the grocery store.
Hotel Front Desk: checking out ma’am?
Me: I’m a mom of three, I checked out a long time ago.
HFD:
Me: oh yes, I’m done with the room.
This no more tears shampoo sucks. I’ve been feeding it to my friends kid and he’s still crying.
Must be doing something wrong.
Unicorns to the left of me
Mermaids to the right
Here I am
Stuck in the Centaur with you
Thank you. I am completely satisfied by your explanation and have no further questions.
– No child ever.